Not Perfect but Perfectly Loved

I tried to conquer the beasts that ruled my heart, no matter how hard I tried they kept showing up. I came back to you when I failed, miserable me. Fallen back into the same temptations, the same old me.

I thought when the spirit burned within me that I wouldn't have to look at the person I used to be. Five steps forward and one leap back into the brokenness of what I worked so hard to rid of me. My heart so blind could only see what I thought of me and not the vast love you have for me. 

 I made a promise, like a vow that I would change someway, somehow but there were still times I could never compromise what I wanted for what you had in mind. I was passing by the vision you had for me and could feel the guilt grow in me.

Until I discovered I had it all wrong, the one leap back, the guilt, the temptation you knew it all and loved me still. I thought I was far from you, far from all I could be but I made you too small. I belittled your love and locked it in a box until I got things right.

What a lie I believed for so long that put boundaries on your love for me. No matter our sorrow, our shame, our brokenness, our pain you were not meant to be locked away until we get it right, you were meant to be in our hearts at all times. To be the love that we can't be, to be the truth when we can't find the way, to be the one that knows the good, the bad, and the in between.

Time to Take a Chance

It's time to take a chance,

to put yourself out there and never look back

for too long you have barricaded your soul

keeping things locked up that should be told

what you have learned is the freedom others want to know

It's time to take a chance

right now is the difference that could be made

between a desperate plea and a heart no longer caged

Sometimes it means being uncomfortable to find you have a voice

Someone needs to hear the truth because they thought they had no choice

It's time to take a chance

to not wonder what they may think

all that matters is what he created you to be

Stop living in the shadows, stop pulling down the shades

the moment is now for you to shine because of his grace

Heartache

What it does……

Heartache, that thing that can turn us inside out, that thing that drains our very soul into a puddle of hurt  that sometimes morphs into self-pity after a while. When it seems there is no way out of it everything we do starts to become a conscious effort. The getting out of bed, the answering calls, the getting kids ready for school, heartache can zap the life right out of us until we are stuck in a cycle that replays like that dreaded movie Groundhog Day. Heartache is not just about relationships but sometimes it's about a dream that didn't come true, a job you never got, an opportunity that passed you by, a choice you made that you regret.  Heartache dares us to move forward and keeps us captive by replaying memories and holding onto what ifs and if only.

To really let it all out there I must tell you that I'm experiencing heartache right now, well actually it's been over a year that I have been going through this. Through all the ups and downs I have learned some valuable lessons about that one word that can really make us or break us. It is the difference between staying complacent and moving forward with our lives. At first my heartache was like those you would see in the latest chick flick when the girl loses the love of her life, lots of crying, pleading, and yes I turned crazy for a while attempting to make all I had imagined for my life come true on my own. Then heartache took a turn and I found comfort in shopping, lots of buying new shirts, new makeup, new hairstyles but those things never healed my hurts and in fact they induced a lot of guilt. Then my heartache not only was superficial but it caused me to become very "me" focused until I realized that it's been over a year and I was stuck. It was like living each new day by looking over my shoulder, longing for something that was unattainable, wishing I had a time machine to go back to a past I didn't want to lose and change choices I had made.

What it can become……

There is definitely a season for everything. There is a time to laugh and there is a time to cry….and there is a time for heartache. But there comes a point when we have to make something of it before it makes something of us. I decided it was time to make something of all the hurt and I wanted it to be beautiful. For the first time I wanted my heartache to not have an agenda, I wanted to let go of what I tried so hard to mold into what I had imagined. I started by giving it to the Lord, I started to pray on my knees before I went to bed, confessing my heartache and giving God what I so badly wanted to hold onto. Then I started doing things I was a little scared to do, I started going places by myself that I didn't usually go to. The heartache went with me but it started to become something pure, something of a light breeze that reminded me of where I had been and what I was becoming. I started to see beyond the haze and looked at the people who surrounded me, people who encouraged me along the way. I then started to see I had life-long friends next to me, God sent these angels into my life to get me through because he knew I couldn’t do it on my own. I started to become grateful and I started to see other things besides my own hurting heart.

As the trees are starting to turn green and flourish I look at them and start to relish in the beauty of new beginnings, yet I remember that not long ago they had lost their luscious green leaves to bone chilling cold winds and long winter nights. When remember those bare trees I think of my own life and how I felt stripped of what I had loved. But like those trees there is something that remains in each of us and that is our roots. There is the person we started to be, the person we thought we would be, and then there is the person we were made to be. If your struggling with heartache like I am, take a step into the unknown by slowly releasing all you had planned, look at heartache and dare to become what it wants to take….a future of endless possibilities that can only be found by making something out of the pain, and making it beautiful.

Pieces

Why do we spend so much time scrambling to make things happen, we are constantly trying to find the missing piece of the puzzle even if its the wrong shape and size......sometimes we just want it to fit and we want it to fit NOW. That is kind of the mentality I've been stuck in the past two years, I wanted to make something work that just wasn't fitting. I thought everything would match up, I thought it all would fall into place but instead it fell apart. I prayed and prayed, I begged and pleaded but I still came up missing what I needed.

God has always answered my prayers...when they were right. God has sometimes cracked the door open for me, waiting for me to respond with an obedient heart. Then there are times that he swung the door open wide (with neon arrows saying enter here!) and I just walked by pretending not to see that he clearly wanted something else for me than where I was headed. Why would I do that and who did I think I was? The King of Kings is holding open the door and I just pass by??!! What it came down to is I had a piece of my life that I thought I had under control, that I was trying (desperately) to make work on my own. But it just didn't work and I ended up running backwards hoping that same door would be opened.

Lets face it being obedient to God takes courage! It takes stepping out of our comfort zones sometimes, and then there are times we need let go, yes let go of what we have dreamt about. Are you waiting to meet your Prince charming? are you hoping to become the next big deal at work? do you just want others approval, or something as simple as being okay with who you are? I truly believe for alot of us we just want to be okay with what we have and its a struggle. Its the letting go of wanting to be perfect, to be recognized, to finding our worth in what others see in us.

God is so much more than package deals and Romeos and Juliets. Won't you lay down your pieces, the ones you so desperately are trying to make fit? God is carving the piece for you to carry, be couregous, his work takes time, its a masterpiece, you are masterpiece. Be reminded that the pieces that we are so despeartely trying to put together are the pieces that only he can make fit how they should.

XOXO
Nicole Renee

Finding Beauty

What if our job was finding beauty? What if we didn't see the mess but saw the potential? Maybe if we focused on the ray of hope, the glimmer of uniqueness each of us holds, maybe things would be different. Maybe it would give that someone struggling something to fight for, something to hold onto. If we took the time to get to know people, even the difficult ones maybe they could surprise us. Maybe they were brushed aside a long time ago and ever since their heart collected dust making it hard for their beauty to truly shine.

When I think of finding beauty I think of Jesus. When he came here, he didn't get caught up in reputations or a person’s past. He waited at the well for a woman who needed a reminder that someone truly cared for her regardless of her past or present circumstance. Or the prostitute that poured her most expensive perfume and washed his feet with her hair, he saw past the mess of her life and found beauty.

I feel bombarded by messages from TV, magazines; just people in general to focus on the negative. Instead of finding beauty we want to find the screw up, we want to point the finger; we want to find the ugly. Sometimes we want to see it in other people so we don't have to see it ourselves, or we want to know that someone has it worse than us and we actually find relief in that. The other day someone took the time to hold the door open for me, talk to me, to relate to me. That person made my day a little brighter. I think when we start looking for the beauty in others we find beauty in ourselves. We start to heal from our own hurts, our world expands into something greater than ourselves, the dust slowly gets blown away to reveal the beat of our hearts, what we were made to find.

The (overly) Nice Person

Are you a nice person? Like the kind of person that always says yes and nothing is wrong. You never get mad (or pretend not to be) because you want make others happy, you don't want to be the downer. Well there were times that this was me but I started to feel like I was becoming a stomping ground for people to brush off their burdens and messes only to be left behind while they skipped off with a lightened load.

I think there comes a time when we all kind of feel unappreciated, alone, and frustrated. Nothing is worse than being the nice girl who is not taken seriously. The girl who is put on the back burner while everyone else decides if you are the best choice. The girl that always has a smile but is really feeling totally burnt out. The girl who is only good enough to be around when problems arise.

Feeling tired of this burden of being nice (imagine that) I started to find this new freedom in letting go. I'm learning that I can't let imperfections rob me of security. When our security begins to rely on others I think we become a whole lot more how do I put this nicely? We become a lot more messy and emotional. JOY gone, energy ZAPPED, and there we are, the dreaded doormat. Always wanting to please, always with a smile, always there for peole that sometimes take advantage of someone who is willing to be so nice. When our security is found in others we sometimes take what we can get because anything is better than being alone or disappointing someone.

I say its time to hang our doormats on the front porch for a good wind slapping! We need to clean out the nooks and crannies. Let go of all that is expected of us and soak in the grace of a new day, look at the beauty God created in us, embrace all the qualities that are unique to us and make us special as individuals(trust me there are so many!).

We need to walk in confidence that we can say no to those who come and go leaving only debris in our lives (graciously;). Find peace in letting go that you are not perfect and people are not perfect. Let the joy of the day shine on your face…and maybe for once the solitude will breathe a new life into you, and a new security.

Sometimes we need to stop and revaluate what matters to us, what is good for our hearts, we need to weed out the bad to make room for the good. We have to set boundaries so we have healthy relationships that build eachother up in love. From one nice girl to another!

XOXO

Faithful Still

Its tempting to want to do things our way instead of trusting the Lord. We are on the right track for a while but then we get impatient and want to take over again, with whatever it may be. Yet he is faithful, faithful to his promises. Once we invite Jesus into our hearts he dwells in us. Even in our wandering, he is faithful still, faithfully ours. How amazing and beautiful is the love he gives us!! A love that is always there no matter what....He is faithful still.

There are days when I want to pick up the pen and write my own story again
Sometimes I get so tired of waiting for an answered prayer

There are days when breathing even seems hard to do
it may be sunny out but a cloud still covers my heart

In times like these, when it’s so quiet and I can’t hear you at all
my faith hangs by a thread
Everything around me wants to break what I’m holding onto

Yet in my wandering, and in my weakness you remain the same
even then you are faithful still

When my doubts and fears want to keep me far from you
even then you are faithful still

When I want to take the pen and do it my way, you give me the freedom choose
even then you are faithful still

Faithfully mine, Faithfully waiting for me to come back to you
unconditional, unforgettable
Faithful still

XOXO-Nicole Renee