Grateful

I know a lot of people that pick a word for the year to live by and to grow into. I already have mine picked out but my pastor added an interesting spark to the “word”. Instead of it being a “word” have it be a “theme”. My word or pardon me “theme” came to me before the new year had even started. It came sweeping in gracefully and triumphantly “Grateful”. As I hear that word and repeat it over and over I wonder what that theme is going to look  like for me this year. I wonder what God knows that I don’t know. Should I be bracing myself for dear life or feeling light as a feather? I don’t know but right now to be honest I feel light as a feather. Last year I began a new journey of independence by buying my first house and starting a new job but it was also a year of confusion. Holding onto relationships and trying to figure out where to go from here. Wondering if I should travel down the same roads again or pave new ways. It was a challenging year bearing a lot of weighty thoughts and decisions. However I would never take that year back because it brings me to this place now. This place of eerily beautiful peace and abounding love. My relationship with God has changed for the better because by the end of last year I discovered even in my most shameful moments I don’t have to hide. I’ve learned how natural it has become to run from God when my report to him on my “bad” days was nothing but sinful defeat. It’s funny how it’s so natural for me to want to hid away from the one who loves me unconditionally and the ONLY one that can make me new. I’m discovering despite my urge to run from God when I mess up I need to fight it and run TO him. He is available to me when I am scared to show my face, he is available to me when I think he is shaking his head in disappointment. I’m learning that is all wrong and God WANTS to be near me. He WANTS to be close when I struggle or mess up. I think God would be filled up to the brim and relieved that we finally get it when our natural inclination is to run to him despite our performance. So I believe since I have learned this about God that is why the word “grateful” is giving me that lighter than a feather feeling. To realize this truth and claim this truth is life giving!  

Guest Post: By Cierra Latrice

You turn on the TV and all that’s on the news is what is going wrong in the world. You turn on the radio and a song about heartbreak or death is playing. The billboard by the highway shows the face of a missing person. The magazine at the checkout wants to point out how imperfect you are. No matter where you go, we live in a world that is full of the negative. It’s almost come to the point where it is more acceptable to be negative than it is to be positive. If you walk down the street with a smile on your face pay attention because I guarantee someone will look at you strange and someone that you know will ask you “Why are you smiling? Why are you so happy?” My question to them is…”Why not?”

I’ve experienced the dark side of depression and lived a life of negativity. I’m good on never going back. Life is full of ups and downs. There’s always going to be someone or something that is going to try and bring you down. It is all about how you handle and view those situations. When God is the reason for our joy and happiness, the storms of life become minor ripples in a pond. Isaiah 40:31 says “but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Did you know that during a storm an eagle will fly above the storm and clouds and soar in the sunlight? When we experience tough times and lean on Him, God provides the strength for us to fly above our storm and soar into His light. He never wants to see us upset. He never wants to see us angry or negative. His arms are open wide and ready to give us pure joy and happiness each and every day no matter what the situation may be. So why not take it?

Every negative situation in our life is a chance to not only grow in ourselves but grow in our relationship with God. There is always a silver lining in every situation. Sometimes you just need to dig a little to see it. God sometimes allows bad things to happen in order to lead us into a new and better direction or to keep us from something or someone that may hurt us down the road. The pieces always come together in the end. You just have to make it through the storm. Don’t let it bring you down. There’s enough negative in the world. The world doesn’t need me adding my negativism to it. In fact, the world needs more positive. The world needs more love. The world needs more people who understand that bad things happen, but it is not the end of the world. The world needs more people who are willing to look past the negative and set their eyes on Christ and the joy He provides. Every day is a gift from Him. Anything that brings a smile to your face or brings laughter is an added blessing.

The next time someone tries to tear you down or something bad happens remember this: Bad things happen, but God’s love, promises and joy He provides are stronger and bigger than anything or anyone. Today I’m choosing to be positive and to be a blessing to those around me.

Diary of an Imperfect Mom

When I found out I was pregnant over 8 years ago, I scrambled to find all the parenting books so I could be "super mom". As my baby J was growing in my belly I had one of those calendar thingy's that told me all about my baby boy and how he was developing each day down to when his fingernails were beginning to grow on his teensy tiny toes. On April 28th, 2005 my bundle of joy was born and that is when that planning book went out the window with a crash. As my sweet boy was laid upon me I was thinking two things. 1.)I was scared out of my mind that I was responsible for this precious life 2.) He was the cutest thing I ever had seen in my life. Instant fear and instant love all at the same time.

Everything now revolved around him and I was now on the back burner. I couldn't have ever planned for the selflessness that would ultimately take over whether I liked it or not. Going to the grocery store took on a whole new meaning as I bundled up my boy and made sure I had all the necessities: diapers- check, bottle-check, extra outfit-check, pacifier-check, and some random toy that would keep his interest for about a micro second-check. It took an extra 15 minutes to just get in the car and an extra hour to go shopping for what would used to  take 20 minutes. I could no longer dash to any place, instead I had to be prepared and on top of things. I had to carry containers and fill them with stuff. I'm a creative, all over the place, whimsical soul by nature so this was like a foreign language to me. BUT I wouldn't be caught dead anywhere with a screaming inconsolable  child so everywhere I went I was armed for battle. For a while I was in constant panic mode wondering if I was really cut out for this whole mom thing. I didn't want to mess up, I didn't want to fail at the ONE thing I was supposed to just be naturally good at.

Then just as I was figuring out this mom gig I found myself a single mom on a new journey-survival. There was no room for pity parties or time to think- I just did whatever it would take to be “super single mom”. I thought this would be a piece of cake- wrong! That saying that it takes a tribe to raise a child is really, really true. There were all sorts of things to consider that I never even thought of like how expensive children are for one thing and how to have a job that is willing to work around your kid but jobs are not that flexible so  you have to have someone to watch your child while your working late- can anyone say cha-ching? And then on top of that you want your child to fit in so you HAVE to have them love something. I tried soccer-NOPE, I tried basketball-double no, we tried soccer again just to be sure- nada. Finally my little fish found his pond, he is a swimmer folks- the next Michael Phelps I believe (keep your eye out for the insane mom cheering at the Olympics in a few years!).

On top of all that you have to deal with your child's ever evolving personality, I know imagine that! So one day they are the most charming little darling and your heart is melting at their ridiculous cuteness and then you blink and  all of a sudden they become curious about the anatomy of the human body and the burning question for what seems like the past decade is how my son can exist if  his mom is not married.  And now I’m freaking out because his father is somewhere in Bangladesh and I’m stuck having to talk about the birds and the bees which is not my forte and  now I’m back at the bookstore finding the latest copy of how to not ruin your child’s life. Sigh. So needless to say being a mom has had its ups and downs in the most horrific and most beautiful ways. But I would not trade it for the world (you know we have to say that right?).

Yet I have found one thing that has been steady in the midst of chaos. No matter what day it was or how old my son has been thus far there is always that moment at the end of the day where we find peace. When he was a baby it was that moment his baby soft Johnson &Johnson's aroma scented head was nestled on my shoulder. It was in these times that all my fears and doubts faded off into the distance. As he peacefully rested in my arms he melted more and more into my heart. Nothing could match these perfect moments and not even the most strenuous day could take away how much this boy meant to me.  As the days, months and years have passed I've learned so much about not only selflessness but what it means to let go of that expectation to be the perfect mom and to truly enjoy the little things. My Jalen didn't have terrible 2's… oh no he waited until he was 4...he gave me a couple extra years to prepare for the relentless dreaded tantrums. There were times I was defeated and that I felt like I was definitely not cut out to be a mom but alas that "moment" always came. At the end of the day,the sun would set and my rambunctious boy would nestle up to me ready for his bed time story and once again all was well in the world and I had peace that I would survive mother hood.

I've come to accept the fact that I'm the farthest thing from "super" mom or “super single mom” but I've never been more okay with that because at the end of the day I am certain that in the strife and in each moment of calm at the end of a long day the definition of being a mother has been built as I have learned that nothing can replace a mothers love and her efforts. Nothing can replace the bond between a mother and her child that is defined over the years of simply being present.  I have learned to create my own book  mastering the ups and downs in the perfectly imperfect life of being a mom. The zombie days and nights from the lack of sleep, the hundredth trip downstairs to get some water after story time, the millionth story that is read even when its past bedtime, the bumps and bruises, the constant reminders that could qualify me for nagging mom of the year all somehow become this beautiful story that leaves an imprint on my heart that beats for my son with the hope to watch him grow up, have a family of his own to share the same unconditional love that all started from the love of a mother.

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Enduring Well

In my past two posts I have gone on about the fury and disappointment of my dating life to how I have turned it over to God and started praying specifically for my husband. But its not just dating that gives me that itch of impatience. In a world where everything is virtually at my fingertips it seems there is a quick way to feeling better instead of simply enduring through the wilderness of uncertainty. Recently I’ve been feeling that I have been doing a whole lot of enduring and started to wonder what the purpose of all this muck and mire was about. I wondered if God couldn’t see my hard work, my good intentions, my dedication. But there I stood still knee deep in disappointment with the outcome and aching for something that would bring me joy. So as I continued waddling around in the wilderness of frustration Jesus began to teach me a lesson about how I need to learn to endure well.

The definition of patience is as follows: the ability to endure waiting, delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset, or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties. I’ve become so accustomed to instant gratification that the heart of patience has gone out the window. Sure I’m waiting for things to happen in my life but not without lack of complaint, serenity or fortitude. Patience is a discipline that I have not mastered but that has such a great purpose if done the right way. When I let my mind entertain thoughts of how I can find a solution quickly for the things I ache for I lose sight of God. But realizing how important enduring can be makes it easier to do because I know there is a purpose for it. I’ve come across this verse before but read it again today and it resonates in my heart so much right now:

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?  If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

I love that last verse because it gives me the reason to endure well- to not give up, to wait on God, to seek his guidance. To know that when God is silent even when it feels like I have had enough he telling me that something is being created through the hardship I’m enduring. In the muck and the mire I can endure even when I’ve reached the brink because in that place I can develop the character of Christ in a deeper and richer way by being dependent on the truth that everything he does is for my good.  Jesus is preparing me for what is to come in what I do today. And I don’t think he is preparing me for something easy, quick or futile. I think he is preparing me for something grandeur than I ever expected. As I learn how to discipline myself to endure well living in the heart of patience I start to feel peace and believe that what Jesus has for me is worth the wait.

Waiting

My life seemed to be continuing a sequence of defeat. I was living for him, for this man that I loved to love me back. As he sway back in forth in his nonchalant universe my stomach was in knots as I waited for his final answer. Days came and went, some sunny, others rainy, and some days like droughts and I was a parched soul searching for something to give me hope. This was becoming my reality, waiting for him, waiting on an answer.

It was in the night as I breathed in the silence around me that I wondered how things had turned out this way. I never imagined I would be waiting for someone to tell me that I was enough for them to settle down with. But here I was, this was my reality. My alluring sex appeal as a woman was fading into darkness as I started to feel like a skipping stone easily tossed into the abyss of some river in which people use to sit by to breath in the sweet scents of the new coming season. I now was a dead weight sinking with little hope of being discovered again.

How could one person make me feel so small and dictate the outcome of my day? Oh but to me he wasn’t just any person. He was my sun and my moon and my stars all rolled into one perfect package that I so longed to be mine. But regardless of what I thought of him, there was still me hopelessly waiting for him to knock at the door or call in the night that he wanted me back. But silence remained and everything collided into one big tomb of nothingness. As I looked at myself in the mirror I looked older and tired. As I looked at others around making an adventure out of life envy welled up within me creating an ugly attitude and a recipe for disaster.

Before I turned eighty, gaining 500 wrinkles and 1,000 gray hairs I knew I had to get a grip and fast. I had to take control of my life again. I was waiting on someone else’s watch that was ticking on a different time zone. I decided that it was time to pick up my slobbering mess of a self and get a move on. It was time to start living like I mattered. So each day I would start with a prayer, thanking God for my life and the blessings he gave me. Next I would pray for my husband. I never ever have prayed for a husband but it took my focus off the man I was waiting for and put it on God and his will for me.

As the days passed and I kept saying this prayer something in me changed very suddenly. I began to be graciously aware of who I was as a woman again. I was still sexy, I was still captivating and there was a light in me that wanted to shine that was all mine. I simply had to be brave enough to turn it on amidst an unknown future. What started as a mediocre half-hearted attempt at moving forward slowly turned into an all out freedom song of a rejuvenated life.

Before I was allowing pain but slowly I was learning to have the courage to walk away from it. Because I was made for more than the back burner. I was made for more than another excuse. I was made for more than the sidelines. It was the most freeing thing in the world to be fully aware of my feminine heart and desires. Its freeing because we are designed to be pursued and God is fully on top of this. As I learned to let him lead me each day, I learned to let go of what I wanted. I began to learn to be confident in God’s timing instead of someone else’s or even my own timing.

Right now I’m building a life on a new road, in a new place. My physical location has remained the same but my heart has taken on a new design. My heart is building a space for someone who wants to cherish it and that first starts with the maker of it, Jesus. He has taken residence in a heart that yearns to know the kind of love that lasts a lifetime. He is showing me more about myself and how to live a fuller life by being patient, compassionate, and joyful in trials and suffering. He doesn’t ever let me down or leave my side.

As I release what I was waiting on, I find I’m able to embrace today. I find that my desires don’t go unnoticed as day by day I receive the love I need when I give my life to Jesus. Life has become an adventure for me as I find that I’m no longer lost in the abyss but rather held close even when I can’t see.

Dating Sucks.

Everything was going great, I felt I could see a light through the darkness from the trenches of my past dating life. I had hope that this time God had sent me the golden ticket to settling down, being madly in love and just letting go of all my past disappointments. Oh but I soon found out how wrong I was when the cloud I was floating on dissipated into thin air and I came tumbling down into reality only to find myself hurting, confused, and disappointed all over again. Dating Sucks. The way people can waltz in and out of our lives is truly amazing- can you catch the bitterness through the bashing of my keyboard?

Let’s just say I’m let down. I’m emotionally bruised and becoming more callused. I don’t want to feel this way but it’s the only way to protect myself anymore from the sting of things not working out. To just get used to it, to just let it become a part of me so I don’t have to prepare for it anymore. I have reached the point where dating even sounds horrible to me. The dressing up, the trying to impress, the waiting for that second date, and the constant pull of emotions that goes along with it.

When things don’t work out I’m good at pulling myself together, holding my head up high. I know who I am in Christ and that I’m valuable first and foremost to Jesus. But then there is that snitch in my hear that calls out to my pride that tries to convince me that I’m not worthy of a lasting and loving relationship. There is that snitch in my memory that re-runs all my past relationships and why they didn't work out. Regardless of it was my fault or their fault or mutual it all runs together in the same pot of misery. I’m just a big ole brewing pot of heartache.

Yet even though dating sucks and I want to put on a boy bashing party I have decided to stop replaying the same old theme in my life. Instead I've decided to pray. I pray for these broken relationships, each and every one that I've been in and it didn't work out. I pray to have the eyes and heart of Jesus because men are also callused, bruised and emotionally spent in their own way through their own hard lessons. 

As I pray over my past, my heart opens up and it feels like I’m releasing the hurt to Jesus. I find I’m doing the best thing I can for myself and for the other person- I’m giving it to God. Ultimately I’m refusing to let this pain build up in me anymore and I’m choosing to let God work. I’m choosing to bash the snitch in my heart and the snitch in my mind with love, forgiveness, and release. Because I know if I let these things hold me captive I will be a lonely old lady stewing at the end of a bar someplace sneering and accusing men of being nothing more than pond scum. 

The truth is we all go through this process of finding love, some find it quicker than others and some have to learn the hard way…like me. And I’m finding that it’s okay and that I can become better through it and I can decide to not feel sorry for myself and instead expand myself. I  make more room in my heart for understanding in the future, I make more room for forgiveness when I’m disappointed, I make more room to let others in.

This is the heart of Jesus, to make more room when we don’t want to.  To love even when it hurts, to never give up, to endure, trust and hope. My fingers brush the keyboard lightly now and the burdens fall off my shoulders. My beauty and faith is restored that I have a love story and that when its finally right I know I will be capable of letting it in.