Be it

Breath in each solitary breath, encapsulate each moment with gratefulness

 

Shake the sandman from your eyes, quench the thirst in your spirit

 

 Do you hear your passion? You can’t miss it when you listen

 

We all have a rich craving to whittle out our own mission

 

The endeavor may seem steep, too long and hard

 

But every boundless journey comes with some resistance

 

Grace stretches beyond the horizon, let faith help you believe it

 

Be mesmerized that you are capable, your fashioned with the means

 

Appreciate with intention each seemingly futile step

 

Don’t take for granted the desire of what makes your spirit rise

 

It’s yours to claim, no one else can shape it the way you see it

 

Whatever it is that awakens your senses to pureness and beauty

 

God will give you what you need to go out and be it.

Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist anymore

If you know me and my blog you will know I’m a single mom and I’ve never been married. I have crossed the boundaries of intimacy with men many times. I hid in shame over crossing the boundaries and I even started to believe this was the way it had to be. I couldn’t have a relationship that wouldn’t be built upon anything but lust. Sure, I had met some strong Christian men before and there was that hope within me that maybe this time I met a leader. I so badly wanted to be with someone who took physical temptations seriously, someone who dared to not live by what is considered the norm. As I would date these Christian men, I would soon discover that purity had been thrown out the window. And honestly without a man leading in this area, I knew I was a sunken ship. But even still I would stay in these relationships because I started to believe this was the way it was now. The area of purity had turned gray and I stopped praying about the desire to stay pure myself.  It was one of those things where I could hear God calling me to purity but I was letting myself be defeated by what I could see vs. what I believed was the right thing to do. I could see that everyday more limits are being pushed in the entertainment world, I could see that sex sells and I need to be sexier, I could see that a lot of men didn’t want to lead or be held responsible. I stopped looking for the truth, I stopped seeking values, I started to see gray.

 

Yet amid the gray areas God still lived in me and he started to be bold with me about purity through other people. My hair stylist began talking about purity. I mean she was the last girl I expected to be talking about it. She just didn’t fit the mold. She was sassy, had a glamorous tattoo sleeve, she wore bright red lipstick, and if I didn’t know her from doing my hair I would be intimidated to talk to her. Yet as I  was getting my hair done one day she pours out her story and journey to purity. She met a man that wanted to honor her and God. She told me to fight for purity, that it was worth the wait. As I left the salon I felt a little surprised how God was showing up in the unexpected places to tell me that purity maybe is not dead. Then two of my close friends who shared the same struggles as me recently met a man that wanted to lead in purity. One is now married and the other one on her way to the alter in the next couple months. I can’t even describe the joy that exudes from both of them because they waited.

 

So, I decided that God doesn’t want me to brush off purity. He doesn’t want me to stop fighting the battle. The things I didn’t think existed anymore were beginning to show up right before my very eyes…value, respect, love, honor, obedience. Maybe I could experience what my hair stylist was talking about, maybe I could experience what my friends now had. Maybe I wouldn’t have to settle for what was the norm. And sure enough God showed up even more by bringing men into my life that stood for purity. In the past several months I have met grown men that were saving themselves for marriage and being completely open about it. And to make it even better, these men are not urcles- they are amazing men that have so much to offer.

 

I think God is showing me the redemption of creation. Yes we come from fallen people (hence Adam and Eve) but that doesn’t mean we have to keep the excuses that it’s too hard or they did so it’s not bad if I do too. Just because some people have stopped caring about purity doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. I’m learning to invest more time in seeking what is not the “norm”, I’m trying to figure out how to separate myself from the cycles of defeat. I recently went to see the play “The Great Divorce” by C.S Lewis. One of the scenes depicted a man holding tight onto one of his possessions- which happened to be a scaly lizard. He was asked to let it go and have it killed, but he was terrified to release this lizard that went everywhere with him, like an appendage. He couldn’t imagine what his life would look like without this lizard. In actuality he really didn’t want the lizard as it was bothersome and held him captive.  As I watched this man struggle to give up this possession I could see myself in his struggle to let go of what I know and what I see. After much turmoil and doubt, the man finally decided to give the lizard away to have it killed so he wouldn’t have to live with it anymore.  I believe that his greatest fear was that he thought if the lizard was to die he would surely die too. However, in an instant the lizard was gone and in its place there was a beautiful white stallion. He decided to give up his stronghold to what he didn’t see or what was not familiar to him and found that something far greater was available to him all along.

 

I think I forgot what could that something far greater could be available to me if I choose to believe in something that may not be prevalent these days. God didn’t give up the battle and desires for us to be restored. He wants us to trust that there is more than what we have grown accustomed to. The right thing can just be a little harder to find and takes a little bit of removing the dust to uncover the beauty that was intended for each one of us to experience. God has started to surround me with a lot of people that want to fight for purity. So, if you are struggling with purity in your life I urge you to call for him and he will show up with an army. I want to shout out to my friends and the wonderful men I know that are fighting for purity- thanks from the bottom of my heart for being a leader in a not so easy area of life.

 

This post is not meant to be preachy because I have struggled with my fight for purity for years. God knows my struggle, I turned away from him many times in my pursuit of restoring purity. But I hope for anyone that reads and struggles with this to know that you are not alone. It’s hard to not sit in the gray area but I have been shown recently that purity is alive we just have to look and fight a little harder for it. Peace and LOVE.

 

 

How I Learned to Be Loved

Like a lot of people I based my worth or how I was good based on my performance. But last year I had a breakthrough and found that performance doesn’t get me anywhere but frustrated at myself.  Sure, its easy to say that God doesn’t love us based on performance, but when we walk or stumble into our next failure the urge to hide in shame ultimately creeps up again regardless of the knowledge that his grace can’t be earned.  My natural instinct used to be to feel like an outcast that wasn’t supposed to pray to God because I messed up over the same thing again and again. I started to condemn myself and it dragged my heart down into a deep place of numbness because there were some strongholds that I just couldn’t conquer. I felt embarrassed to go back to God with the same request. So I just didn’t anymore because I felt like a hypocrite and that I might as well not ask for forgiveness because I would never get things right. And I knew if I was to really want to be changed that would mean God would expect something of me that I couldn’t accomplish- which would equal greater disappointment. Ultimately, I was living in fear of failure and fear of never being the woman he created me to be. But this thinking just kept me in a vicious cycle of feeling afraid, ashamed, embarrassed, burdened, and insufficient.

After years of hiding out I decided that I would try approaching God with the truth in my mind that he loved me no matter what.  I stood before God and poured out my failures each time they happened. I didn’t pray with fear but instead I prayed with confidence that God loved me regardless of my performance. I have to say at first it was really weird to boldly trust that the Lord accepted me and loved me even in my shortcomings. But something started to change, the condemnation I felt started to turned into a calm presence that I can do all things through Christ.  What started as a training of my mind to approach God in confidence that he loved me, over time a truth my heart trusted. I started to fall in love with God in a much more authentic way because he was able to love me in a more authentic way,the way he desired to love me all along- completely.  His love is the most sincere, the most genuine and he desires to be in the muck with us as crazy as that sounds. And those fears that God would expect more of me than I felt I could deliver was blown away because I felt embraced for me, even in my lifeless sin. His spirit was renewed in me because I let him love me in my weakness and found I was made stronger.

Grateful

I know a lot of people that pick a word for the year to live by and to grow into. I already have mine picked out but my pastor added an interesting spark to the “word”. Instead of it being a “word” have it be a “theme”. My word or pardon me “theme” came to me before the new year had even started. It came sweeping in gracefully and triumphantly “Grateful”. As I hear that word and repeat it over and over I wonder what that theme is going to look  like for me this year. I wonder what God knows that I don’t know. Should I be bracing myself for dear life or feeling light as a feather? I don’t know but right now to be honest I feel light as a feather. Last year I began a new journey of independence by buying my first house and starting a new job but it was also a year of confusion. Holding onto relationships and trying to figure out where to go from here. Wondering if I should travel down the same roads again or pave new ways. It was a challenging year bearing a lot of weighty thoughts and decisions. However I would never take that year back because it brings me to this place now. This place of eerily beautiful peace and abounding love. My relationship with God has changed for the better because by the end of last year I discovered even in my most shameful moments I don’t have to hide. I’ve learned how natural it has become to run from God when my report to him on my “bad” days was nothing but sinful defeat. It’s funny how it’s so natural for me to want to hid away from the one who loves me unconditionally and the ONLY one that can make me new. I’m discovering despite my urge to run from God when I mess up I need to fight it and run TO him. He is available to me when I am scared to show my face, he is available to me when I think he is shaking his head in disappointment. I’m learning that is all wrong and God WANTS to be near me. He WANTS to be close when I struggle or mess up. I think God would be filled up to the brim and relieved that we finally get it when our natural inclination is to run to him despite our performance. So I believe since I have learned this about God that is why the word “grateful” is giving me that lighter than a feather feeling. To realize this truth and claim this truth is life giving!  

Guest Post: By Cierra Latrice

You turn on the TV and all that’s on the news is what is going wrong in the world. You turn on the radio and a song about heartbreak or death is playing. The billboard by the highway shows the face of a missing person. The magazine at the checkout wants to point out how imperfect you are. No matter where you go, we live in a world that is full of the negative. It’s almost come to the point where it is more acceptable to be negative than it is to be positive. If you walk down the street with a smile on your face pay attention because I guarantee someone will look at you strange and someone that you know will ask you “Why are you smiling? Why are you so happy?” My question to them is…”Why not?”

I’ve experienced the dark side of depression and lived a life of negativity. I’m good on never going back. Life is full of ups and downs. There’s always going to be someone or something that is going to try and bring you down. It is all about how you handle and view those situations. When God is the reason for our joy and happiness, the storms of life become minor ripples in a pond. Isaiah 40:31 says “but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Did you know that during a storm an eagle will fly above the storm and clouds and soar in the sunlight? When we experience tough times and lean on Him, God provides the strength for us to fly above our storm and soar into His light. He never wants to see us upset. He never wants to see us angry or negative. His arms are open wide and ready to give us pure joy and happiness each and every day no matter what the situation may be. So why not take it?

Every negative situation in our life is a chance to not only grow in ourselves but grow in our relationship with God. There is always a silver lining in every situation. Sometimes you just need to dig a little to see it. God sometimes allows bad things to happen in order to lead us into a new and better direction or to keep us from something or someone that may hurt us down the road. The pieces always come together in the end. You just have to make it through the storm. Don’t let it bring you down. There’s enough negative in the world. The world doesn’t need me adding my negativism to it. In fact, the world needs more positive. The world needs more love. The world needs more people who understand that bad things happen, but it is not the end of the world. The world needs more people who are willing to look past the negative and set their eyes on Christ and the joy He provides. Every day is a gift from Him. Anything that brings a smile to your face or brings laughter is an added blessing.

The next time someone tries to tear you down or something bad happens remember this: Bad things happen, but God’s love, promises and joy He provides are stronger and bigger than anything or anyone. Today I’m choosing to be positive and to be a blessing to those around me.

Diary of an Imperfect Mom

When I found out I was pregnant over 8 years ago, I scrambled to find all the parenting books so I could be "super mom". As my baby J was growing in my belly I had one of those calendar thingy's that told me all about my baby boy and how he was developing each day down to when his fingernails were beginning to grow on his teensy tiny toes. On April 28th, 2005 my bundle of joy was born and that is when that planning book went out the window with a crash. As my sweet boy was laid upon me I was thinking two things. 1.)I was scared out of my mind that I was responsible for this precious life 2.) He was the cutest thing I ever had seen in my life. Instant fear and instant love all at the same time.

Everything now revolved around him and I was now on the back burner. I couldn't have ever planned for the selflessness that would ultimately take over whether I liked it or not. Going to the grocery store took on a whole new meaning as I bundled up my boy and made sure I had all the necessities: diapers- check, bottle-check, extra outfit-check, pacifier-check, and some random toy that would keep his interest for about a micro second-check. It took an extra 15 minutes to just get in the car and an extra hour to go shopping for what would used to  take 20 minutes. I could no longer dash to any place, instead I had to be prepared and on top of things. I had to carry containers and fill them with stuff. I'm a creative, all over the place, whimsical soul by nature so this was like a foreign language to me. BUT I wouldn't be caught dead anywhere with a screaming inconsolable  child so everywhere I went I was armed for battle. For a while I was in constant panic mode wondering if I was really cut out for this whole mom thing. I didn't want to mess up, I didn't want to fail at the ONE thing I was supposed to just be naturally good at.

Then just as I was figuring out this mom gig I found myself a single mom on a new journey-survival. There was no room for pity parties or time to think- I just did whatever it would take to be “super single mom”. I thought this would be a piece of cake- wrong! That saying that it takes a tribe to raise a child is really, really true. There were all sorts of things to consider that I never even thought of like how expensive children are for one thing and how to have a job that is willing to work around your kid but jobs are not that flexible so  you have to have someone to watch your child while your working late- can anyone say cha-ching? And then on top of that you want your child to fit in so you HAVE to have them love something. I tried soccer-NOPE, I tried basketball-double no, we tried soccer again just to be sure- nada. Finally my little fish found his pond, he is a swimmer folks- the next Michael Phelps I believe (keep your eye out for the insane mom cheering at the Olympics in a few years!).

On top of all that you have to deal with your child's ever evolving personality, I know imagine that! So one day they are the most charming little darling and your heart is melting at their ridiculous cuteness and then you blink and  all of a sudden they become curious about the anatomy of the human body and the burning question for what seems like the past decade is how my son can exist if  his mom is not married.  And now I’m freaking out because his father is somewhere in Bangladesh and I’m stuck having to talk about the birds and the bees which is not my forte and  now I’m back at the bookstore finding the latest copy of how to not ruin your child’s life. Sigh. So needless to say being a mom has had its ups and downs in the most horrific and most beautiful ways. But I would not trade it for the world (you know we have to say that right?).

Yet I have found one thing that has been steady in the midst of chaos. No matter what day it was or how old my son has been thus far there is always that moment at the end of the day where we find peace. When he was a baby it was that moment his baby soft Johnson &Johnson's aroma scented head was nestled on my shoulder. It was in these times that all my fears and doubts faded off into the distance. As he peacefully rested in my arms he melted more and more into my heart. Nothing could match these perfect moments and not even the most strenuous day could take away how much this boy meant to me.  As the days, months and years have passed I've learned so much about not only selflessness but what it means to let go of that expectation to be the perfect mom and to truly enjoy the little things. My Jalen didn't have terrible 2's… oh no he waited until he was 4...he gave me a couple extra years to prepare for the relentless dreaded tantrums. There were times I was defeated and that I felt like I was definitely not cut out to be a mom but alas that "moment" always came. At the end of the day,the sun would set and my rambunctious boy would nestle up to me ready for his bed time story and once again all was well in the world and I had peace that I would survive mother hood.

I've come to accept the fact that I'm the farthest thing from "super" mom or “super single mom” but I've never been more okay with that because at the end of the day I am certain that in the strife and in each moment of calm at the end of a long day the definition of being a mother has been built as I have learned that nothing can replace a mothers love and her efforts. Nothing can replace the bond between a mother and her child that is defined over the years of simply being present.  I have learned to create my own book  mastering the ups and downs in the perfectly imperfect life of being a mom. The zombie days and nights from the lack of sleep, the hundredth trip downstairs to get some water after story time, the millionth story that is read even when its past bedtime, the bumps and bruises, the constant reminders that could qualify me for nagging mom of the year all somehow become this beautiful story that leaves an imprint on my heart that beats for my son with the hope to watch him grow up, have a family of his own to share the same unconditional love that all started from the love of a mother.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin