My life seemed to be continuing a sequence of defeat. I was living for him, for this man that I loved to love me back. As he sway back in forth in his nonchalant universe my stomach was in knots as I waited for his final answer. Days came and went, some sunny, others rainy, and some days like droughts and I was a parched soul searching for something to give me hope. This was becoming my reality, waiting for him, waiting on an answer.
It was in the night as I breathed in the silence around me that I wondered how things had turned out this way. I never imagined I would be waiting for someone to tell me that I was enough for them to settle down with. But here I was, this was my reality. My alluring sex appeal as a woman was fading into darkness as I started to feel like a skipping stone easily tossed into the abyss of some river in which people use to sit by to breath in the sweet scents of the new coming season. I now was a dead weight sinking with little hope of being discovered again.
How could one person make me feel so small and dictate the outcome of my day? Oh but to me he wasn’t just any person. He was my sun and my moon and my stars all rolled into one perfect package that I so longed to be mine. But regardless of what I thought of him, there was still me hopelessly waiting for him to knock at the door or call in the night that he wanted me back. But silence remained and everything collided into one big tomb of nothingness. As I looked at myself in the mirror I looked older and tired. As I looked at others around making an adventure out of life envy welled up within me creating an ugly attitude and a recipe for disaster.
Before I turned eighty, gaining 500 wrinkles and 1,000 gray hairs I knew I had to get a grip and fast. I had to take control of my life again. I was waiting on someone else’s watch that was ticking on a different time zone. I decided that it was time to pick up my slobbering mess of a self and get a move on. It was time to start living like I mattered. So each day I would start with a prayer, thanking God for my life and the blessings he gave me. Next I would pray for my husband. I never ever have prayed for a husband but it took my focus off the man I was waiting for and put it on God and his will for me.
As the days passed and I kept saying this prayer something in me changed very suddenly. I began to be graciously aware of who I was as a woman again. I was still sexy, I was still captivating and there was a light in me that wanted to shine that was all mine. I simply had to be brave enough to turn it on amidst an unknown future. What started as a mediocre half-hearted attempt at moving forward slowly turned into an all out freedom song of a rejuvenated life.
Before I was allowing pain but slowly I was learning to have the courage to walk away from it. Because I was made for more than the back burner. I was made for more than another excuse. I was made for more than the sidelines. It was the most freeing thing in the world to be fully aware of my feminine heart and desires. Its freeing because we are designed to be pursued and God is fully on top of this. As I learned to let him lead me each day, I learned to let go of what I wanted. I began to learn to be confident in God’s timing instead of someone else’s or even my own timing.
Right now I’m building a life on a new road, in a new place. My physical location has remained the same but my heart has taken on a new design. My heart is building a space for someone who wants to cherish it and that first starts with the maker of it, Jesus. He has taken residence in a heart that yearns to know the kind of love that lasts a lifetime. He is showing me more about myself and how to live a fuller life by being patient, compassionate, and joyful in trials and suffering. He doesn’t ever let me down or leave my side.
As I release what I was waiting on, I find I’m able to embrace today. I find that my desires don’t go unnoticed as day by day I receive the love I need when I give my life to Jesus. Life has become an adventure for me as I find that I’m no longer lost in the abyss but rather held close even when I can’t see.
