Thursday, April 17, 2014

More than Moments

I crumbled onto my bed in final defeat. My pillow is the only sanctuary in sight and as bitterly rest my head I throw out rash remarks to heaven. Where are you God? Can you hear me? My thoughts try to convince me that God is punishing me or else he would take this from me. I keep wondering if God is my healer and redeemer, why is he not redeeming me? I go to church, I surround myself with solid friendships and I pray. Where am I going wrong? Just three short weeks ago I was on cloud nine and now here I lay in absolute desolation. Old familiar worries appeared out of nowhere engulfing me in a stream of restless and anxious days and nights. If I were to be completely honest there were times in past three weeks I just didn’t want to exist. The cloud depression brings takes away every ounce of joy and hope for a good future. The things I've always wanted and worked so hard to obtain seem to be lost in some sort of mosh pit at the bottom of my stomach. I don’t think it’s fair when you try to do things the right way and everything falls by the wayside. I’m not playing the victim, I don’t write for pity but I write this because anxiety, depression and the like really, really, really suck. I find that so many people deal with fear, anxiety, and hopelessness daily but just keep on a fa├žade that everything is peachy keen.

I wouldn’t write a blog post inundated with defeat without a glimpse of hope or I won’t write-which is why you haven’t seen anything from me in a while. I’m finding that the mind is incredibly powerful, you may be saying “duh” right now but seriously it can be detrimental what we allow to run rampant in our thought lives. For the past 3 weeks I have honed in on my worry completely entangled in fear. In a way I have let worry rule my life and bring me into a deep pit where no one can rescue me.  I have prayed in the moments I was not engulfed by my fear, I have shouted out to God in the moments I was not focused on my fear, I have cried many tears in the moments I couldn’t take any more of my worry. So basically I am handing out little bits of myself to God in frustration and giving gobs of attention to fear/worry/or whatever you want to call it.

In the midst of trial it’s hard to have the energy to focus on the truth that God has good for us and that HIS perfect love drives out fear but we MUST learn to if we want to overcome pitfalls and not get in them in the first place. I am the last person that is good at that obviously but I have a glimmer of hope that I am capable of getting to this place. WHY? Because the Holy Spirit lives in me and if the Holy Spirit lives in me than I am able. Also, something vitally important to point out is that we are worth it! We are God’s masterpieces- to him we are priceless and his deepest desire is for us to reach our full potential- and that my friend is not living in the darkness. I’m slowly learning that I will stay in the pit if I dwell on the pit but if I dwell on the TRUTH of Jesus my thought life changes and all of a sudden I find myself capable of facing another day. It’s NOT an overnight makeover, it’s a one day at a time focus on what we are capable of THROUGH Christ not through our own power. It’s not handing God bits and pieces to  God and saying "have some of me and make me better". While God is completely able to do anything I truly believe we need to say God here is ALL  of me to see true life transformation.

I have done life with Jesus and without Jesus. And the only time I have gotten out of the pit was when Jesus was the hand reaching out to me and lifting me up. When the world seems bleak and life seems way too hard it’s easy to doubt that Jesus is who he says he is but it’s in those times true, courageous, and everlasting faith is built because we are believing that even though it seems he is nowhere in sight God is walking if not carrying us through every moment we give to him. That is why we must give him more than moments, we must give Jesus ALL of us each and every day!


Romans 8:37-39

Despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.