Friday, April 15, 2016

Okay with Me

My mom used to say, “you’re going out of the house like that?!”, “where is your lipstick”? She is old school Italian and I love her with all my heart but we are different, a lot different. She always puts on lipstick before stepping out of the house, out of the car, out of the booth at the restaurant. It’s one of those quirky, beautiful things that makes my mom who she is and stand out. However I can leave the house with my hair in a bun, with sweats on and barely any make-up and feel fine but that was not always the case.

For as long as I can remember, I used to always ask for approval: “do I look okay?”, “do you like my haircut?”, “what do you think about this idea?” I always needed someone else’s validation- whether it be advice on what I was wearing or if I had what it took to write a book. I needed good feedback to feel that I could really go for my ideas. However, if the response was not what I was looking for than my heart would sink as the fire within me fizzled.  I was insecure and afraid to just be me.

I remember one day I went to the supermarket with my mom sans makeup, we parted ways to get different items and this young gentlemen approached my mom. He told her that I was a gorgeous girl and if he was taller that he would ask me out (I’m 5’10). My proud mom raved about me and how I was her daughter and then went on to tell me about her encounter. I will never forget that day because I seriously did not do a thing to look good. I had my hair up and no makeup on yet he thought I was pretty. It came as a surprise to me as I never really thought I could quite possibly be cute just as I am. Unfortunately, it took a butcher at the store for me to realize that I was putting too much time wondering what other people thought of me and needed to just be me.

When I started sharing my writing, I was terrified. I had the passion to share the good, bad and ugly- but the cost of sharing was that others would know my baggage. But I decided to put myself out there because others put themselves out there for me in the past. Over time people would reach out to me about my posts and tell me how much it meant to them. One friend even told me that she made a folder with my name on it where she kept all my posts when she needed inspiration. I was so shocked.  My writing could really mean that much to someone? That was mind bottling to me and I felt so incredibly humbled.

I have finally found confidence that being me- flawed and open- can bring the most blessing and is the most pleasing to the Lord. I decided to consciously stop seeking out others definition of beauty or what I should be and found confidence in the way God made me. Not everyone will think I’m pretty or like my latest hair style-and that is okay. Not everyone will like my posts or agree with me-that is okay too. As I was writing this post I felt completely full of myself for telling the story about the butcher and how he thought I was pretty however I realized I was again worrying about approval. We are made to embrace who we are, our quirky things, our tedious things, our silly things. I truly think that as long as our intentions are pure, lovely and true we can’t go wrong no matter what we look like or what dreams we want to pursue.