Tuesday, April 24, 2012


What it does……
Heartache, that thing that can turn us inside out, that thing that drains our very soul into a puddle of hurt  that sometimes morphs into self-pity after a while. When it seems there is no way out of it everything we do starts to become a conscious effort. The getting out of bed, the answering calls, the getting kids ready for school, heartache can zap the life right out of us until we are stuck in a cycle that replays like that dreaded movie Groundhog Day. Heartache is not just about relationships but sometimes it's about a dream that didn't come true, a job you never got, an opportunity that passed you by, a choice you made that you regret.  Heartache dares us to move forward and keeps us captive by replaying memories and holding onto what ifs and if only.

To really let it all out there I must tell you that I'm experiencing heartache right now, well actually it's been over a year that I have been going through this. Through all the ups and downs I have learned some valuable lessons about that one word that can really make us or break us. It is the difference between staying complacent and moving forward with our lives. At first my heartache was like those you would see in the latest chick flick when the girl loses the love of her life, lots of crying, pleading, and yes I turned crazy for a while attempting to make all I had imagined for my life come true on my own. Then heartache took a turn and I found comfort in shopping, lots of buying new shirts, new makeup, new hairstyles but those things never healed my hurts and in fact they induced a lot of guilt. Then my heartache not only was superficial but it caused me to become very "me" focused until I realized that it's been over a year and I was stuck. It was like living each new day by looking over my shoulder, longing for something that was unattainable, wishing I had a time machine to go back to a past I didn't want to lose and change choices I had made.

What it can become……
There is definitely a season for everything. There is a time to laugh and there is a time to cry….and there is a time for heartache. But there comes a point when we have to make something of it before it makes something of us. I decided it was time to make something of all the hurt and I wanted it to be beautiful. For the first time I wanted my heartache to not have an agenda, I wanted to let go of what I tried so hard to mold into what I had imagined. I started by giving it to the Lord, I started to pray on my knees before I went to bed, confessing my heartache and giving God what I so badly wanted to hold onto. Then I started doing things I was a little scared to do, I started going places by myself that I didn't usually go to. The heartache went with me but it started to become something pure, something of a light breeze that reminded me of where I had been and what I was becoming. I started to see beyond the haze and looked at the people who surrounded me, people who encouraged me along the way. I then started to see I had life-long friends next to me, God sent these angels into my life to get me through because he knew I couldn’t do it on my own. I started to become grateful and I started to see other things besides my own hurting heart.

As the trees are starting to turn green and flourish I look at them and start to relish in the beauty of new beginnings, yet I remember that not long ago they had lost their luscious green leaves to bone chilling cold winds and long winter nights. When remember those bare trees I think of my own life and how I felt stripped of what I had loved. But like those trees there is something that remains in each of us and that is our roots. There is the person we started to be, the person we thought we would be, and then there is the person we were made to be. If your struggling with heartache like I am, take a step into the unknown by slowly releasing all you had planned, look at heartache and dare to become what it wants to take….a future of endless possibilities that can only be found by making something out of the pain, and making it beautiful.

Friday, April 13, 2012


Why do we spend so much time scrambling to make things happen, we are constantly trying to find the missing piece of the puzzle even if its the wrong shape and size......sometimes we just want it to fit and we want it to fit NOW. That is kind of the mentality I've been stuck in the past two years, I wanted to make something work that just wasn't fitting. I thought everything would match up, I thought it all would fall into place but instead it fell apart. I prayed and prayed, I begged and pleaded but I still came up missing what I needed.

God has always answered my prayers...when they were right. God has sometimes cracked the door open for me, waiting for me to respond with an obedient heart. Then there are times that he swung the door open wide (with neon arrows saying enter here!) and I just walked by pretending not to see that he clearly wanted something else for me than where I was headed. Why would I do that and who did I think I was? The King of Kings is holding open the door and I just pass by??!! What it came down to is I had a piece of my life that I thought I had under control, that I was trying (desperately) to make work on my own. But it just didn't work and I ended up running backwards hoping that same door would be opened.

Lets face it being obedient to God takes courage! It takes stepping out of our comfort zones sometimes, and then there are times we need let go, yes let go of what we have dreamt about. Are you waiting to meet your Prince charming? are you hoping to become the next big deal at work? do you just want others approval, or something as simple as being okay with who you are? I truly believe for alot of us we just want to be okay with what we have and its a struggle. Its the letting go of wanting to be perfect, to be recognized, to finding our worth in what others see in us.

God is so much more than package deals and Romeos and Juliets. Won't you lay down your pieces, the ones you so desperately are trying to make fit? God is carving the piece for you to carry, be couregous, his work takes time, its a masterpiece, you are masterpiece. Be reminded that the pieces that we are so despeartely trying to put together are the pieces that only he can make fit how they should.

Nicole Renee