Grateful

I know a lot of people that pick a word for the year to live by and to grow into. I already have mine picked out but my pastor added an interesting spark to the “word”. Instead of it being a “word” have it be a “theme”. My word or pardon me “theme” came to me before the new year had even started. It came sweeping in gracefully and triumphantly “Grateful”. As I hear that word and repeat it over and over I wonder what that theme is going to look  like for me this year. I wonder what God knows that I don’t know. Should I be bracing myself for dear life or feeling light as a feather? I don’t know but right now to be honest I feel light as a feather. Last year I began a new journey of independence by buying my first house and starting a new job but it was also a year of confusion. Holding onto relationships and trying to figure out where to go from here. Wondering if I should travel down the same roads again or pave new ways. It was a challenging year bearing a lot of weighty thoughts and decisions. However I would never take that year back because it brings me to this place now. This place of eerily beautiful peace and abounding love. My relationship with God has changed for the better because by the end of last year I discovered even in my most shameful moments I don’t have to hide. I’ve learned how natural it has become to run from God when my report to him on my “bad” days was nothing but sinful defeat. It’s funny how it’s so natural for me to want to hid away from the one who loves me unconditionally and the ONLY one that can make me new. I’m discovering despite my urge to run from God when I mess up I need to fight it and run TO him. He is available to me when I am scared to show my face, he is available to me when I think he is shaking his head in disappointment. I’m learning that is all wrong and God WANTS to be near me. He WANTS to be close when I struggle or mess up. I think God would be filled up to the brim and relieved that we finally get it when our natural inclination is to run to him despite our performance. So I believe since I have learned this about God that is why the word “grateful” is giving me that lighter than a feather feeling. To realize this truth and claim this truth is life giving!