On Being a Mom

About six years ago I found myself a single momma and no idea what that would mean for me although I thought I did. I thought I could handle it no problem, I wanted to be a strong and fierce momma. The kind that had lunches packed the night before school, the kind that is organized with all those fancy organizers and compartments, the kind that has my kid perfectly dressed and early to the bus stop. The kind that is able to sign my child up for every possible class to give him every opportunity possible to be all he can be. It all looked really nice in my mind but the reality was a rude awakening.

My days were filled with racing to the bus stop, scrambling into the pantry to find another snack for the lunch box. Days of doing homework assignments past bedtime, buy yet another pair of jeans because my rough and tumble child got another hole in them, and for the classes we can only afford and find time for one every season. Not to mention I realized all the different parenting styles there were and how so many people raise their kids different. Which way is right which way is wrong it became a battle to know what is truly the best way or if there is a such a thing.

On top of wanting to be "super" momma I also wanted to make a difference in this world. I didn't  want to be just another 8-5 cubicle worker scraping by to make it. I wanted to be SOMEONE, I wanted to make some kind of difference. So on top of wondering how I could be a better mom I was also searching to fill this void that ached within me to be a part of something outside myself that could change the lives of others.

I don't know what it is but there is something in  me that always feels like its missing out or lagging behind. Not just single moms but all moms have to make sacrifices, we give up some dreams that we envisioned long ago when we became parents. The big factor really comes down to time and resources, there just never seems to be enough of either. Another day was passing by  and I began to feel a gape of frustration growing in my soul. I felt that I was doing nothing to build the kingdom, I felt that as if I was chasing my tail every day. Same rushing to the bus, same job, same old me.

One day while making my usual route to work I looked in the review mirror and  was reminded of my son who sits behind me in the car, except I had already dropped him off at the bus that morning. I was reminded of that blonde head surfer dude that has a passion for sea creatures, drawing dinosaurs, and a knack for absorbing everything and tucking it into his steel trap for future conversations and retorts. One day he will no longer be in the backseat being chaperoned to school, one day he will be self-sufficient and following his dreams. All the rushed blur of days that pass me by now that seem mundane will eventually lead to something much greater. It was in that moment that parenthood took on a new life for me.

Parenthood was no longer parenthood but instead became a ministry. I wondered if I was crazy to not have thought of parenthood in this way before, but as a single mom hoping to get things right I often felt more burdened with the tasks of getting things done rather than feeling free that I'm part of a important calling or mission. The most important mission I will ever have, is right under my roof. In my very presence each day is the opportunity to be present in the life of someone who looks to me as a compass in life. This mom thing really matters, and it doesn’t mean that I will always get it right, but it means always trying. It doesn't mean being perfect but being refined. It doesn't mean signing up my son for a million classes but being present in his day to day life. It's been refreshing to remember that I'm making a difference in my own child's life and the mission of motherhood will someday be the reflection of who my child becomes and how he treats others.

So if your exhausted from trying to be super mom don't worry your not alone. And if your chasing dreams and trying to be a mom, don't worry your not alone. Be encouraged that what you are doing in the mundane is really something  beautiful unfolding. Being a mom is the toughest mission but the one that is most worth it. I'm discovering that there are books and books of how to be a good mom/parent, there are people all over with different techniques and ideas on how to raise kids right. Knowledge is good but love covers all, so when you are on the brink of wondering if your doing anything right remember that as long as your always trying you are on the right track.

XOXO

Nicole