Confidence

It’s been a while since I have written much and man have I missed it. Not going to lie this year has been a hard one, not just for me but for many friends as well. It’s been somewhat heavy and I was in need of some space, some quietness on the pages of my life. As the New Year approaches I'm wondering what my word is going to be for this year- the one thing that I make a priority, the one thing that will bring me closer to who I desire to be and most importantly who I am in Christ.

One thing I know for sure I am tired of is my own insecurity, my own self-doubt, my own self keeping me from truly shining and being able to fully embrace life. I'm tired of the negative thoughts that say I'm not good enough, I'm not the lucky one, I'm not capable, I'm not beautiful, I'm not special...you name it, I've thought  about it. Sometimes I feel like I just walk around life looking at others and being in awe or frustrated that I have not achieved what they have. I feel as though being 30 is the cut off for becoming and creating myself, I had my chance and blew it. Yup, there it is again clear as day, my backhanded thinking.
So its time to put the smack down, because I'm done with being tossed in a sea of doubt by none other than, me, myself and I.

You know what I find absolutely appealing in anyone, the hands down most sought after quality? Confidence. period. A woman with confidence lights up the room with her self-awareness that she is a treasured gem. Not because she is cocky, self-absorbed or a snob but because she is humbly aware that she is here for a reason, she has a purpose and gosh darn it she is going to live life to the fullest and be all she can be. The naysayers, her own demon thoughts will not possess her to believing that she can't be filled with joy in any given circumstance. Instead she confidently speaks her mind with graciousness and gentleness. She confidently walks into any room and knows that she is loved beyond measure because Jesus spirit resides in her. That is the woman I want to be, a woman of confidence. That is my word this year, I claim it! I own it! I want it!

I don't only want this for myself but I want this for all woman, for us all to remember that we are beautiful, lovely, God breathed woman. Our hearts may be heavy, our pains may be deep with hands and feet weary. This year may have taken a toll on us, we may be battling for our marriage, or a single woman wondering if her prince is out there, we may be turning 30, 40, or 50 but I come boldly to say we have not lost our shine. We have not lost our warmth, we have not lost our purpose. Yes the new year is approaching but each day is like a new year. Its time to be kind to ourselves and allow ourselves to believe that we are wanted, needed, and the most wonderful thing about confidence is that no one can take it from us.

XOXO,

Nicole Renee

Frumpy

Is this what my life has come to? Stewing inside I cling to the days of my younger 20’s but wake up to the reality I’m a newly clad 30 year old woman.  I have officially entered the stage of wearing mom jeans with a newfound craving for those soft, amazing, lovely things they call pajama pants. The days of rocking the old well worn holey jeans have passed like a warm breeze of youth that has gone too quickly. As I dance my booty off at Zumba trying to shake off little miss muffin top I survey the room of ladies, most have their hair curled and up in bouncy pony tails with bright colored workout attire. As I look at my awkward self doing gangum style in the mirror I find myself cringing at my faded purple tank top and black spandex pants. I wonder what happened to me and when it was that I lost the vibrancy I once had. I look back on the past few years to find many places where I could have lost myself along with energy, time, and motivation. Somewhere between making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the pressure to be super mom, and the unending days of working a 9-5  is where it started. Add in a few heartaches, a couple draining relationships and a dash of bills and we got it folks! I feel frumpy and my beauty seems to be buried behind all the pieces I’ve been putting together or trying to hold together for several years. I took Jalen to the indoor pool yesterday and as I was sitting poolside I felt exhausted, I wanted to close my eyes and somehow wake up on the beaches of Cabo San Lucas with a Margarita in hand with no worries to cross my mind except the amount of SPF I needed to apply as the warm salty air fills my lungs.

Yet this gnawing feeling wouldn’t leave me even if I went away on vacation for a year. It would be like a nice band aid to cover up the wounds that need some one on one attention. I want to feel beautiful again and wash away the frumpiness that has somehow taken residence in my soul and in my wardrobe. I want to embrace the beauty of being a woman and the ability to be a little bit sexy sometimes and be okay with it. I’ve come to figure out my lack of attention to my outer appearance has been a result of my inner appearance and the weariness of trying has become an excuse to push off my efforts to change for another day. I think I’m sometimes scared to have it together because that frumpy side of me is like a layer of shyness that keeps me from being exposed or being noticed.  But the thing is this frumpy season just is not working for me anymore, I need to take charge and push myself to become a girl I like looking at because there is only one me and there has got to be something wonderful about that. So as I slowly emerge from my cocoon of just getting by, I find some kind of excitement for rediscovering not only my inner beauty but my outer beauty and all the possibilities that lie ahead as I embrace the things that I have put on the back burner far too long.