Frumpy

Is this what my life has come to? Stewing inside I cling to the days of my younger 20’s but wake up to the reality I’m a newly clad 30 year old woman.  I have officially entered the stage of wearing mom jeans with a newfound craving for those soft, amazing, lovely things they call pajama pants. The days of rocking the old well worn holey jeans have passed like a warm breeze of youth that has gone too quickly. As I dance my booty off at Zumba trying to shake off little miss muffin top I survey the room of ladies, most have their hair curled and up in bouncy pony tails with bright colored workout attire. As I look at my awkward self doing gangum style in the mirror I find myself cringing at my faded purple tank top and black spandex pants. I wonder what happened to me and when it was that I lost the vibrancy I once had. I look back on the past few years to find many places where I could have lost myself along with energy, time, and motivation. Somewhere between making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the pressure to be super mom, and the unending days of working a 9-5  is where it started. Add in a few heartaches, a couple draining relationships and a dash of bills and we got it folks! I feel frumpy and my beauty seems to be buried behind all the pieces I’ve been putting together or trying to hold together for several years. I took Jalen to the indoor pool yesterday and as I was sitting poolside I felt exhausted, I wanted to close my eyes and somehow wake up on the beaches of Cabo San Lucas with a Margarita in hand with no worries to cross my mind except the amount of SPF I needed to apply as the warm salty air fills my lungs.

Yet this gnawing feeling wouldn’t leave me even if I went away on vacation for a year. It would be like a nice band aid to cover up the wounds that need some one on one attention. I want to feel beautiful again and wash away the frumpiness that has somehow taken residence in my soul and in my wardrobe. I want to embrace the beauty of being a woman and the ability to be a little bit sexy sometimes and be okay with it. I’ve come to figure out my lack of attention to my outer appearance has been a result of my inner appearance and the weariness of trying has become an excuse to push off my efforts to change for another day. I think I’m sometimes scared to have it together because that frumpy side of me is like a layer of shyness that keeps me from being exposed or being noticed.  But the thing is this frumpy season just is not working for me anymore, I need to take charge and push myself to become a girl I like looking at because there is only one me and there has got to be something wonderful about that. So as I slowly emerge from my cocoon of just getting by, I find some kind of excitement for rediscovering not only my inner beauty but my outer beauty and all the possibilities that lie ahead as I embrace the things that I have put on the back burner far too long.