Friday, March 21, 2014

I forgot to have fun

I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off thinking I would survive. I was cramming every nook and cranny of my life into some schedule. Everything was packed and I was constantly on the move and because of this my patience was slim. I didn’t have time to deal with Jman’s fussy behavior. Basically I would just snap at the drop of the hat and expect my son to be perfect. But over the past couple weeks I’ve done a little less running around, read a couple books, prayed a little more and I’ve realized that I have been living without intention. I’ve been living with expectation. I have this expectation that I need to have a jammed packed schedule to constantly be in motion. I have this expectation that my son is 8 and should not be whining still. I have this expectation that I have to talk to every single one of my friends to feel like I’m still in the loop. I have this expectation that I have to be doing something to mean something. Meanwhile, my joy is hanging on by a thin thread and I’m morphing into a less than ecstatic mom that is lacking adventure, smiles, and laughter.
Today I have been pondering this a lot and really can’t believe that I am willingly missing out on so much joy by living in by these silly expectations. I don’t want to miss embracing motherhood fully for what it is, a beautiful gift from God. He entrusted this not so little anymore child into my life to be intentional. Thinking on my childhood I remember the moments that mattered to me the most were the moments of adventure. The times I was out exploring and there was no rush. I remember the long bike rides in the park with my dad or how me and my parents used to drive through the windy roads to get a sweet treat at the end of a summer day. It was leisurely and so peaceful and I didn’t feel like we were constantly in motion running from one thing to the next. Not to say that never happens after all life does get busy and messy but as I remember those times I remember how at ease I felt about life. I have forgotten how to have fun, to live in the moment, and the importance of intention. But today is a new day filled to the brim with possibility and new adventures to begin and for the first time in a long time I can tell you- I can't wait!!!

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Psalm 51:12




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