At the Alter

I wait for the answer to be so clear. I wait to know his will for my life. I say the same prayer over and over as I live life going through the motions. I expect a neon sign to present itself and make my path clear, yet I find myself frustrated because I'm left in the dark. There is silence for minutes, days, even years and I find myself stuck in a rut.

Have you ever waited for God to change your life but it remained the same? Have you been sitting in a heartbreak for years waiting for healing? Have you lost the hope that your life could ever change? Me too, that is me. The girl who writes of Gods love and believes she knows it only to be disappointed and dissatisfied through the seasons of life.

I walk through life with my hands clenched tightly shut. I only give away what is comfortable but I hold onto what I think I can't live without. It could be a relationship, it could be my fear, it could be my vanity, it could be my pride. Yet with my hands clasped and my arms crossed I'm on defense, there is no room for love to grow. There is no place to become who I need to be when I shelter those strongholds that have become deeply intertwined to my being.

How come it is that I'm so afraid to believe God has something amazing for me and all he is waiting for is my surrender. I sit here and wait for God to do a miraculous work in my life yet I don't even give him the instrument to work with. I forget that I'm the instrument, that I need fine tuning but I can't be tuned if he is not allowed to work on me completely.

So over the past few days I've decided to let go, I've decided to get uncomfortable, I'm terrified of the unknown but even more I'm terrified to feel the hurt of letting go because I'm comfortable with my strongholds. Yet to fully experience God's goodness I have to sacrifice my will for his will. I have to surrender my wants on the alter like Abraham did with his son Isaac. I have to surrender knowing that Abraham's story is a testament of God's faithfulness. I've never abandoned all I wanted for God because I want to know what to expect, I'm so afraid to be let down. I remember that Abraham walked up towards the alter to sacrifice his son not knowing a ram was on the other side. A ram that would turn out to be a blessing for the obedience of Abraham that was literally life saving.

I want God to show up in my life, I want him to change my life. I want him to take all the brokenness and all the fear and cultivate it into something greater than I can see. Here I am at the alter Lord,opening my hands.

I'm yours.