TOTAL GOOFBALLS

Enough Said.

 

At the Alter

I wait for the answer to be so clear. I wait to know his will for my life. I say the same prayer over and over as I live life going through the motions. I expect a neon sign to present itself and make my path clear, yet I find myself frustrated because I'm left in the dark. There is silence for minutes, days, even years and I find myself stuck in a rut.

Have you ever waited for God to change your life but it remained the same? Have you been sitting in a heartbreak for years waiting for healing? Have you lost the hope that your life could ever change? Me too, that is me. The girl who writes of Gods love and believes she knows it only to be disappointed and dissatisfied through the seasons of life.

I walk through life with my hands clenched tightly shut. I only give away what is comfortable but I hold onto what I think I can't live without. It could be a relationship, it could be my fear, it could be my vanity, it could be my pride. Yet with my hands clasped and my arms crossed I'm on defense, there is no room for love to grow. There is no place to become who I need to be when I shelter those strongholds that have become deeply intertwined to my being.

How come it is that I'm so afraid to believe God has something amazing for me and all he is waiting for is my surrender. I sit here and wait for God to do a miraculous work in my life yet I don't even give him the instrument to work with. I forget that I'm the instrument, that I need fine tuning but I can't be tuned if he is not allowed to work on me completely.

So over the past few days I've decided to let go, I've decided to get uncomfortable, I'm terrified of the unknown but even more I'm terrified to feel the hurt of letting go because I'm comfortable with my strongholds. Yet to fully experience God's goodness I have to sacrifice my will for his will. I have to surrender my wants on the alter like Abraham did with his son Isaac. I have to surrender knowing that Abraham's story is a testament of God's faithfulness. I've never abandoned all I wanted for God because I want to know what to expect, I'm so afraid to be let down. I remember that Abraham walked up towards the alter to sacrifice his son not knowing a ram was on the other side. A ram that would turn out to be a blessing for the obedience of Abraham that was literally life saving.

I want God to show up in my life, I want him to change my life. I want him to take all the brokenness and all the fear and cultivate it into something greater than I can see. Here I am at the alter Lord,opening my hands.

I'm yours.

Quality Time

As a single mom I try to pack everything in until capacity is full. Often times I miss something or can’t find things because I’m always frantically moving from one thing to the next. Lately my son has been more stubborn, cranky,  and frustrated than usual. He is constantly testing me and pushing the limits.  Often times I have been too tired to argue with him so it’s either time out or just let him get away with what he wants to do.  The same cycle has been playing itself out for weeks now because work is busy, school is busy, and life is just busy. So I let things slide that shouldn’t and we just flow through each day just getting by. As my constant busy schedule built up  my patience level went down as well as my sons. I started to let those important moments pass by and a gaping hole was developing  because we didn’t have those moments where we would just hang-- play games,  chase each other down in a game of tag or soar on the swings high as the tree tops.  I have been letting those important moments pass by with the frenzy of life and doing what I need to do.

It became apparent to me the other day when my son was irritable as usual and I was at the end of my rope. I was tempted to put him in time out for an hour but instead I reached down in the bucket of toys in the garage and found bubbles. Bubbles meant for a spring or summer day were now my distraction on a cool winter afternoon. Together we started blowing bubbles into the air, making bubble tornadoes flying up to the sky, counting how many bubbles were attaching themselves  to other bubbles. Both our frustrations drifted away as we laughed, took pictures and simply enjoyed quality time together. That is when I realized all the tantrums, the testing, the irritability was my sons longing to spend time with me- just hanging. There didn’t have to be an elaborate plan, we didn’t have to spend a bunch of money or buy a new toy. He just wanted time with me, and that is when sadness swept over me that I had let business get in the way of the most important thing of all- showing my son that time with him is better than anything else on the planet.  So the rest of the day we flew planes, played tag, soared on swings and spent some much needed time living in the moment instead of going through the motions….and I highly recommend it!

Drum Roll Please

Ta Da! I'm pleased to present my new blog design by the ever talented Aubrey! I've been putting off doing something with my blog for over a year. I've been afraid to invest the time and money but I realized how much joy this blog brings me and how this little space is mine to vent, praise, be vulnerable and transparent. I let fear get in the way of all I can be too much, sometimes it just takes a little baby step, a leap of faith to discover that doing something different or out of your comfort zone is not as scary as it looks and its much more fun than sitting on the sidelines.

 Check out Aubrey's other designs, she is amazing!

Under Construction

Hello world!

My site is going to be under construction for the next couple of weeks:). I'm excited for a fresh new look and to finally get some projects started that I've been too busy making excuses for and putting off far too long. I'm excited for a new journey on my blog!

Be back soon!

XOXO
Nicole Renee

Moving Forward

Putting one foot in front of the other

I’m starting again

Picked myself up from the ground

Set my mind on the truth

The heart so lovely leads astray

Holding onto promises you laid out for me

Goodbye tapes on re-run

Playing the same scene until I’m crazy

I’ve cut the tape and run free towards living

There is a destiny realized today as I breathe new life

Those things I let rule me can’t rob me anymore

I’m free to choose no strings attached

Take my hand let’s stop looking back

Infinite

Finite-Limited, Predicted, Restricted

Infinite- Immeasurable, Unlimited, Boundless, Never-Ending

I find myself living for the finite lately, my mind is focused on what I can control, what I know, what I desire. I live so small and unaware of the infinite power that surrounds me. Not my own power but the majesty almighty who nothing is impossible for. My eyes see the light, its so strong and wonderful yet I squint and look away because it seems too much to take in. The boundless, the immeasurable, for me is the incomprehendable and I would rather just focus on what is familiar and what I think is safe and sound. Yet I'm finding what I think is safe is just something that tides me over for now, it quenches my thirst for a minute and leaves me parched for more the next. You see the finite is a empty relationship that satisfies lust, its the high of being at a party but the low of the hangover, its the adrenaline rush of getting a makeover to the reality that a broken heart lies beneath. It can be many things that keep us captive to run to the quick fix, the medication that leads to destruction, the band-aid that temporarily hides the wound. The finite is where I'm stuck because it blinds me from what truly sets me free and that is the infinite. The infinite is a life that knows its worth, its a love that penetrates past the flesh and lives in the soul, its the pure joy of knowing we have a pursuer.  Immeasurable love is upon us, its ours for the taking if we choose to believe there is something beyond our peripheral vision. If we choose to hold tight to the promises he gave us in a world gone mad I believe that is when we find freedom. When we want to compromise to the finite we will find it restricts us but when we look past instant gratification and cling tight to the infinite this whole new place opens up within us. We are no longer parched in an instant but the longings deep inside us are filled to the brim.

XOXO
Nicole Renee