Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Goodbye Wishy Washy

Have you ever seen Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts? She is like a chameleon that changes who she is based on the guy she is with. With one guy she likes poached eggs, another she likes her eggs over easy, and with another she likes them with pepper and dill. Her identity was found in each of her relationships and it was spiraling out of control. When it came time to marry yet again, she ran away, yet again because what it came down to is that she didn't know who she was or what she wanted. She also had dreams yet to be realized, she made these unique lamps out of different appliances but she never invested in them all the way, she never really believed in her dreams (until the end of the movie, when it all comes together perfectly;).

Last night I had some quiet time with God and can totally relate to this girl, not with guys but with my life. There are a couple things I have stuck with over the years my doctor and my hair colorist (except in a couple instances…oh man can I even count her?!). Other than that I feel like a wandering hippie, which is something I usually like to identify myself as until I realized that I'm drifting through life somewhat aimlessly. I have all sorts of dreams, plans and ideas but I only indulge in them half-heartedly. The thought of investing myself all the way is somewhat terrifying to me especially when these thoughts plaque my mind. "That will take up too much time", "No one will like what you've done or no one will support you", "This is out of your comfort zone", and finally the worse thought yet "That was a nice thought, but unrealistic", wham, back to reality and that sinking feeling inside that I need to give up on another dream.

How self defeating our minds can be! I'm tired of Miss Wishy Washy, I'm ready to wring her out and put her out to dry for good. But I can't do it alone, I need wisdom beyond my understanding, I need someone to believe in me more than I believe in myself. Last night was refreshing for this very reason, prayer, scripture, and journaling. All three of these combined help me to take a good look at myself and a good look at all I can be. It separates the truth from the lies, and allows me to discover what dreams God wants me to pursue.

Last night while reading "A Mary Spirit" by Joanna Weaver she mentioned Psalm 51 “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing heart. I have always been focused on the first part of that verse, create in me a clean heart, O God, but I never paid close enough attention to the last part sustain in me a willing heart. Perhaps I always looked over that because the first part I'm asking God to change me, but that last part means I would have to do some work, some changing. It would mean if what God is asking me takes up too much time, I’m supposed to say yes anyway. If no one supports me but God is asking me to do it, I must say yes. I need to say yes to God even when it is out of my comfort zone. When I want to give up and brush it off as a nice idea, I have to pray for a willing heart.

I can’t carry out His dreams and plans for me if I attempt them half-heartedly. I can’t find who I am in Christ if I keep him at a distance. Another thing that I’m realizing is that my dreams, plans, and ideas may be very different from what he has planned…yet I have to be willing. I have some goals, some things I know God is calling me to do right now. I want to list them below to share with others and pray that my heart not only can be created new but that my heart is willing to say yes.

Goal #1
(this one is a perfect example of something that is going to take a willing heart on my part) my first goal is to be single in this season and pray for the right man to come in my life. I pray in my season of singleness no matter how long that I continue to grow to be a woman a godly man desires

Goal #2
my second goal is to find a church home where I dive in all the way, to serve, to join a bible study, and tithe.

Goal #3
To pray, fast, stay in the word, and journal so that I am reminded of Gods love, his promises, and so I can clearly see where I need to be and what I need to be doing in my life.

James 1:5 if any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

James 1:6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like the wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

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