Okay with Me

My mom used to say “you’re going out of the house like that?!”, “where is your lipstick?”. She is old school Italian and I love her with all my heart but we are different, a lot different. She always puts on lipstick before stepping out of the house, out of the car, out of the booth at the restaurant. It’s one of those quirky, beautiful things that makes my mom who she is and stand out. However I can leave the house with my hair in a bun, with sweats on and barely any make-up and feel fine but that was not always the case.

From as long as I can remember I used to always ask for approval “do I look okay?”, “do you like my haircut”, “what do you think about this idea?"I always needed validation whether it be advice on what I was wearing or if I had what it took to write a book. I needed to have feedback to feel that I could do things. However, if the response was not what I was looking for than my heart would sink as the fire within me fizzled.  I was insecure and afraid to just be me. If I asked someone how I looked and they said the dreaded words “Oh you look fine”, I would cringe as I ran to my room to change. Fine? The definition of scrapping by and being so-so I used to hate that word with a passion. If I told someone about my dreams and they didn’t line up with their ideas than I felt that they were just not good enough or unachievable.

But then one day I went to the supermarket with my mom sans makeup, we parted ways to get different items and this young gentlemen approached my mom. He told her that I was a gorgeous girl and if he was taller that he would ask me out (I’m 5’10). My proud mom raved about me and how I was her daughter and then went on to tell me about her encounter. I will never forget that day because I seriously did not do a thing to look pretty. I had my hair up and no makeup on yet he thought I was pretty. It came as a surprise to me as I never really thought I could quite possibly be cute just as I am. Unfortunately it took a butcher at the store for me to realize that I was putting too much time wondering what other people thought of me and needed to just be me. Then as I started writing my fears, struggles, and what I really felt about faith and life I started sending my posts to my closest friends. As days would pass one of them would bring up my little post and tell me how much it meant to them and how it helped them when they were having a bad day. One friend even told me that she made a folder with my name on it where she kept all my posts when she needed inspiration. What?? My writing could really mean that much to someone? That was mind bottling to me and I felt so incredibly humbled because I was just being me.

I finally found that being my own person can bring the most blessing and is the most pleasing to the Lord. I decided to conciously stop seeking out others definition of beauty or what I should be and found confidence in the way God made me. Not everyone will think I’m pretty or like my latest hair style-and that is okay. Not everyone will like my posts or agree with me-that is okay too. As I was writing this post I felt completely full of myself for telling the story about the butcher and how he thought I was pretty however I realized I was again worrying about approval. We are made to embrace who we are, our quirky things, our tedious things, our silly things. I truly think that as long as our intentions are pure, lovely and true we can’t go wrong no matter what we look like or what dreams we want to pursue.

Blogging has exposed a lot of my insecurities all over again, until I met other girls who are embracing who they are without seeking the approval of others. They put themselves out there and are so real that it is refreshing, it’s beautiful to see other woman that can be funny, vulnerable, unpredictable, and open their lives up with transparency. It inspires me and reminds me it’s great to just be who we are.