Incapable

There are so many things to move past, especially this time of year. It’s become this stressful blur of getting gifts, festive gatherings, diets down the drain, overloaded with questions, wants and needs so apparent, and the restlessness of our souls ache. I find myself often going down memory lane with tears in my eyes at the thoughts of people who used to be a part of my life who are now distant or gone. I think of my Italian grandma and her boisterous laugh and how when she yawned it sounded like opera. I think of how she was so proud of keeping her house tidy at age 90 and that she could still put on a delicious meal with homemade breaded chicken and meatballs.  I also think of how my life hasn’t exactly turned out as planned as choices I made have not always been the best and I’m left to meddle in my own despair. I think of people who I love so much and don’t even know it because the bounds of past hurts are too much to break through. I think of friendships that helped shaped me that didn’t turn out as I hoped or planned.

 I wonder this time of year if I’m capable of changing my life for the better or overcoming my own self doubt and insecurities. I wonder if I can set out to follow my dreams and make them come true. I wonder if I can become the woman God called me as a mother, friend, and daughter. As thoughts swirl through my mind I find myself scrambling for something more. I want to know what God’s plan is for me or why I can’t seem to let go of certain thoughts or memories. I want to know why I still feel lonely and sadness in a time that is supposed to be filled with joy.

Then I think of Mary- the mother of Jesus and think of the weight of the world on her shoulders because she would be carrying Jesus in her belly. She would be the woman to love and nurture this world’s Savior! Can you imagine the fear, the doubt, the insecurity that would well up at such a great task? I imagine I would feel incapable of such a feat, I would hope to get out of it. I would pray that God got me confused with another Mary because I would feel so afraid to mess up or just plain not be good enough. Mary, precious Mary she was afraid like most of us would be but she also believed. She was not quite sure of her own ability but she didn’t doubt God’s. With her faith planted in his truth and faithfulness she prayed and trusted in the nearness of God, the assurance that God is who he says he is and that he has an almighty plan. For some reason that plan included her, Mary, a woman that would go down in history as the mother of our King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

Do you feel incapable like me? Especially in a season where our frailties are more apparent than ever as we try to find thankfulness in our hearts even when we don’t quite understand what we are going through. I want to be more like Mary an ordinary girl loved by an extraordinary God who has a plan set out for me. We are loved by a God that is capable when we are not. As this season unfolds I’m centering my heart on Christ and the assurance of his nearness to me when I am scared of the future or clinging onto the past. God has a beautiful plan and as I think of the mother of our Savior I think of the beauty of an obedient heart resting in the presence of the Lord and the mercy of his plan.

XOXO,
Nicole