Dating Sucks.

Everything was going great, I felt I could see a light through the darkness from the trenches of my past dating life. I had hope that this time God had sent me the golden ticket to settling down, being madly in love and just letting go of all my past disappointments. Oh but I soon found out how wrong I was when the cloud I was floating on dissipated into thin air and I came tumbling down into reality only to find myself hurting, confused, and disappointed all over again. Dating Sucks. The way people can waltz in and out of our lives is truly amazing- can you catch the bitterness through the bashing of my keyboard?

Let’s just say I’m let down. I’m emotionally bruised and becoming more callused. I don’t want to feel this way but it’s the only way to protect myself anymore from the sting of things not working out. To just get used to it, to just let it become a part of me so I don’t have to prepare for it anymore. I have reached the point where dating even sounds horrible to me. The dressing up, the trying to impress, the waiting for that second date, and the constant pull of emotions that goes along with it.

When things don’t work out I’m good at pulling myself together, holding my head up high. I know who I am in Christ and that I’m valuable first and foremost to Jesus. But then there is that snitch in my hear that calls out to my pride that tries to convince me that I’m not worthy of a lasting and loving relationship. There is that snitch in my memory that re-runs all my past relationships and why they didn't work out. Regardless of it was my fault or their fault or mutual it all runs together in the same pot of misery. I’m just a big ole brewing pot of heartache.

Yet even though dating sucks and I want to put on a boy bashing party I have decided to stop replaying the same old theme in my life. Instead I've decided to pray. I pray for these broken relationships, each and every one that I've been in and it didn't work out. I pray to have the eyes and heart of Jesus because men are also callused, bruised and emotionally spent in their own way through their own hard lessons. 

As I pray over my past, my heart opens up and it feels like I’m releasing the hurt to Jesus. I find I’m doing the best thing I can for myself and for the other person- I’m giving it to God. Ultimately I’m refusing to let this pain build up in me anymore and I’m choosing to let God work. I’m choosing to bash the snitch in my heart and the snitch in my mind with love, forgiveness, and release. Because I know if I let these things hold me captive I will be a lonely old lady stewing at the end of a bar someplace sneering and accusing men of being nothing more than pond scum. 

The truth is we all go through this process of finding love, some find it quicker than others and some have to learn the hard way…like me. And I’m finding that it’s okay and that I can become better through it and I can decide to not feel sorry for myself and instead expand myself. I  make more room in my heart for understanding in the future, I make more room for forgiveness when I’m disappointed, I make more room to let others in.

This is the heart of Jesus, to make more room when we don’t want to.  To love even when it hurts, to never give up, to endure, trust and hope. My fingers brush the keyboard lightly now and the burdens fall off my shoulders. My beauty and faith is restored that I have a love story and that when its finally right I know I will be capable of letting it in.

Pursuing Peace

I always thought that peace was supposed to just come naturally. Yet it doesnt. At least not for me, if I had more peace I would feel more content or at least like I was on the right track. But the more I felt I should have peace the more anxious I became as I searched for answers or my lack thereof. Is this the right relationship? Is this the right job? Why do I feel so discontent? And the questions swarmed around in my head. As usual I was questioning myself instead of asking God for the answers. I was relying on my fickle heart to provide me with some keen insight which would be absolutely confident one second and completely insecure the next. I wonder why I waste my time on my fleshy thoughts and don't spend more time in the word.

"I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4.

I recently discovered this passage and have been addicted. There is so much good stuff packed into this Psalm especially regarding peace. "Turn from evil and do good, seek peace and pursue it." Psalm 24:14. So God is telling me to seek and pursue peace. Its not going to be a natural feeling that I wake up with in the morning. I have to actually put some work in to develop peace. I have to daily lay down my fear, doubt, and anxiety and pursue peace with intention.

This whole idea has been really reassuring to me because I now know for one I'm not insane for feeling like a crazy mess of emotions sometimes and secondly excited to know that peace is actually ottainable if I do seek it and don't expect it.

Natural Beauty

For so long I was just plain jane

I always wished I was exoctic with olive skin and sultry eyes

growing up I was a frizzy haired, big eyed, moused colored brown hair babe

Little did I know that it could be beautiful

I  always looked elsewhere for beauty

No, it didn't exist in me

I found beauty in magazines, on tv shows, and models walking the runway

I tried to replicate what I saw, but I was still just so so

Until I surrendered my life to Jesus and got to know his character

it was then that the view of myself slowly changed

little by little he revealed to me what beauty was intended to look like

It was a radiant glow from within

It was what he already had given me, I didn't have to look for it

I was so easily swept into others perceptions

I refused to see beauty in my own reflection

Oh but Jesus reminded me

Every day he did

That he loves me, that he made me

He knows me down to each hair on my head

Embrace yourself and every seemingly flaw

Because they are uniquely yours and wonderfully made

Its exciting to be in on such a secret

If only others would listen

So they would know it too

That there is natural beauty in me and in you

Strong God

Uneasiness has been taking over my life for the past two weeks. I'm going through alot of changes, mostly good but in the midst of the changes I have been flooded with anxiety. The anxiety has been different than I have experienced in the past, it felt more like a wall. Something in me was paralyzed to fully embrace and love the way I know the way I'm suppoed to with an open heart. Like in my last post I felt that lastely God has been stretching me spiritually but it was getting to the point where I was going to break if he didn't let up a little.

But then today I had a break through, in church we sang "Manifesto" and we reached the part in the song where we sing the Lords prayer....Thy kingdom come, they will be done, give us our daily bread, forgive us our trespasses, lead us not into temptation...deliver us from evil. As I spoke those words...Deliver us from evil, I found relief from the suffocating anxiety I was feeling. It was in that verse I was reminded that there is more than one thing vying for my attention and the devil is on the prowl. He knows when I'm soaring high and being obedient and he wants to distract me from receiving joy, peace and love. He so easily wants me to doubt how strong our God is and that God can do all things. So after that song as I digested this thought it was nn that moment I called out to Jesus. I kept calling out his name and told the negative thoughts that were plaguing my thoughts to flee. When I was done with my prayer I knew Jesus rescued me when peace, truth, and love renewed in my spirit.

I don't want to get extreme here but I do believe that the devil knows when we are upon greatness and when we are on fire for good things. Nothing pisses upsets him more than to see us bearing fruit in the name of Jesus. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why I was feeling so heavy, distressed and weary. I was focusing so much on trying to figure out the cause that I became withdrawn, self-centered, and confused exaclty where the bad guy wants me.

Our God is strong and he is our protector, I'm so thankful for a loving God I can call on in the midst of fear, darkness and chaos. Call out to him in the midst of your struggle, he is your Savior.

Been a While

God is stretching me these days mostly in the empty spaces between my heart and heaven.  I’m searching for that ray of light that connects us, I’m searching for the answers but my questions are left lingering as I learn to trust. I have a confession more to myself than anything but I have lived my life so superficially. I have focused on the surface- when the going gets tough I distance myself and find the next petty thing to fulfill me. When God asks too much of me I turn away and pretend I didn’t hear his sweet whisper that wants so badly what is GOOD for me.

But my friends not this time, I have been through enough to know that it’s time to fully embrace Jesus like I have always wanted to but have been too chicken to do in all spheres of my life.  I’m so tired of being led by flesh, my need, and especially my feelings. The fleeting part of myself that is hot and cold, high and low. I don’t want to be deceived by my mood and let it determine the choices I make. Instead I want to choose to love or choose to live fully regardless of how I feel.  If I chose to live by how I feel I will be isolated because no one can meet my expectation,  if I choose to live by how I feel I will never get married because I’m afraid of getting hurt, if I choose to live how I feel than I will not be the mom I need to be because I will feel tired and weary.

My fuel, my decisions, my trust needs to fully rely on where God is leading me. The truth in the word, the silence in the night, the patience in the waiting room of life. If God is not moving I will wait, if God is nudging I will move, if God is opening up doors I will walk through them. Even when I’m terrified I will choose to rely on God and his goodness. I won’t turn to superficial desires to fill up my feelings, I will turn to the Lord to fill up my spirit.

God is teaching me to be discontent with the superficial and content with the spiritual and growing me out of my immaturity and I can’t wait to see what he has in store.

I've been MIA for far too long but God has had me in a season of growing that I can't wait to share!