Dating Sucks.

Everything was going great, I felt I could see a light through the darkness from the trenches of my past dating life. I had hope that this time God had sent me the golden ticket to settling down, being madly in love and just letting go of all my past disappointments. Oh but I soon found out how wrong I was when the cloud I was floating on dissipated into thin air and I came tumbling down into reality only to find myself hurting, confused, and disappointed all over again. Dating Sucks. The way people can waltz in and out of our lives is truly amazing- can you catch the bitterness through the bashing of my keyboard?

Let’s just say I’m let down. I’m emotionally bruised and becoming more callused. I don’t want to feel this way but it’s the only way to protect myself anymore from the sting of things not working out. To just get used to it, to just let it become a part of me so I don’t have to prepare for it anymore. I have reached the point where dating even sounds horrible to me. The dressing up, the trying to impress, the waiting for that second date, and the constant pull of emotions that goes along with it.

When things don’t work out I’m good at pulling myself together, holding my head up high. I know who I am in Christ and that I’m valuable first and foremost to Jesus. But then there is that snitch in my hear that calls out to my pride that tries to convince me that I’m not worthy of a lasting and loving relationship. There is that snitch in my memory that re-runs all my past relationships and why they didn't work out. Regardless of it was my fault or their fault or mutual it all runs together in the same pot of misery. I’m just a big ole brewing pot of heartache.

Yet even though dating sucks and I want to put on a boy bashing party I have decided to stop replaying the same old theme in my life. Instead I've decided to pray. I pray for these broken relationships, each and every one that I've been in and it didn't work out. I pray to have the eyes and heart of Jesus because men are also callused, bruised and emotionally spent in their own way through their own hard lessons. 

As I pray over my past, my heart opens up and it feels like I’m releasing the hurt to Jesus. I find I’m doing the best thing I can for myself and for the other person- I’m giving it to God. Ultimately I’m refusing to let this pain build up in me anymore and I’m choosing to let God work. I’m choosing to bash the snitch in my heart and the snitch in my mind with love, forgiveness, and release. Because I know if I let these things hold me captive I will be a lonely old lady stewing at the end of a bar someplace sneering and accusing men of being nothing more than pond scum. 

The truth is we all go through this process of finding love, some find it quicker than others and some have to learn the hard way…like me. And I’m finding that it’s okay and that I can become better through it and I can decide to not feel sorry for myself and instead expand myself. I  make more room in my heart for understanding in the future, I make more room for forgiveness when I’m disappointed, I make more room to let others in.

This is the heart of Jesus, to make more room when we don’t want to.  To love even when it hurts, to never give up, to endure, trust and hope. My fingers brush the keyboard lightly now and the burdens fall off my shoulders. My beauty and faith is restored that I have a love story and that when its finally right I know I will be capable of letting it in.