Okay with Me

My mom used to say, “you’re going out of the house like that?!”, “where is your lipstick”? She is old school Italian and I love her with all my heart but we are different, a lot different. She always puts on lipstick before stepping out of the house, out of the car, out of the booth at the restaurant. It’s one of those quirky, beautiful things that makes my mom who she is and stand out. However I can leave the house with my hair in a bun, with sweats on and barely any make-up and feel fine but that was not always the case.

For as long as I can remember, I used to always ask for approval: “do I look okay?”, “do you like my haircut?”, “what do you think about this idea?” I always needed someone else’s validation- whether it be advice on what I was wearing or if I had what it took to write a book. I needed good feedback to feel that I could really go for my ideas. However, if the response was not what I was looking for than my heart would sink as the fire within me fizzled.  I was insecure and afraid to just be me.

I remember one day I went to the supermarket with my mom sans makeup, we parted ways to get different items and this young gentlemen approached my mom. He told her that I was a gorgeous girl and if he was taller that he would ask me out (I’m 5’10). My proud mom raved about me and how I was her daughter and then went on to tell me about her encounter. I will never forget that day because I seriously did not do a thing to look good. I had my hair up and no makeup on yet he thought I was pretty. It came as a surprise to me as I never really thought I could quite possibly be cute just as I am. Unfortunately, it took a butcher at the store for me to realize that I was putting too much time wondering what other people thought of me and needed to just be me.

When I started sharing my writing, I was terrified. I had the passion to share the good, bad and ugly- but the cost of sharing was that others would know my baggage. But I decided to put myself out there because others put themselves out there for me in the past. Over time people would reach out to me about my posts and tell me how much it meant to them. One friend even told me that she made a folder with my name on it where she kept all my posts when she needed inspiration. I was so shocked.  My writing could really mean that much to someone? That was mind bottling to me and I felt so incredibly humbled.

I have finally found confidence that being me- flawed and open- can bring the most blessing and is the most pleasing to the Lord. I decided to consciously stop seeking out others definition of beauty or what I should be and found confidence in the way God made me. Not everyone will think I’m pretty or like my latest hair style-and that is okay. Not everyone will like my posts or agree with me-that is okay too. As I was writing this post I felt completely full of myself for telling the story about the butcher and how he thought I was pretty however I realized I was again worrying about approval. We are made to embrace who we are, our quirky things, our tedious things, our silly things. I truly think that as long as our intentions are pure, lovely and true we can’t go wrong no matter what we look like or what dreams we want to pursue.

New Blog Space

Hi Friends- You can now find me at http://half-written.blogspot.com/. Hope to see you there! XOXO

Strong Willed Worrier

Strong Willed Worrier

Most of my life, from my earliest memories, I have suffered from anxiety. There were times that I could barely drive down the road a mile from my house without having to pull over and I would end up stuck in a parking lot because of a panic attack. A panic attack that came out of nowhere and left me feeling paralyzed and afraid. Someone would have to come pick me up because I couldn't bear the thought of having to drive back home- or anywhere, for that matter. It was the most helpless feeling to have to rely on someone else to get me home all because of anxiety. Then there were the bouts with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) that would simply derail my life into an onset of depression. Many people use the word OCD very loosely and make it into a joke quite often. However, for the sufferer it is no joke. I remember telling a  group of girls during bible study about my stuggle with OCD one of them laughed and offered to come clean my house. Even though it’s out of my character, I wanted to slap that girl because she had no idea what she was talking about and was oblivious to what OCD can be. However, that is life, some people just don't get what others go through- but that shouldn't stop anyone from overcoming the obstacles of living their best life. Because of my experience, I want to share some key things that have help me to manage living a life with anxiety. Ultimately OCD is brought on by anxiety, so they are one and the same. Both can be debilitating and make you want to retreat to your house permanently. They can rob you of friendships, relationships and really enjoying life. In the worst case it can cause you to just not want to think anymore and be done with life and that, my friend, is not a good place to be. Dealing with anxiety for most of my life, I have learned quite a few things to help me cope with it in the worst case scenario to the best case scenario. I will tell you that I have debated posting about this for months because well its personal, it’s hard, its ugly, its embarrassing. However, transparency is beautiful, and the reason I know it’s beautiful is because it has changed my life. Others who chose to share their fears, insecurities and battles have helped me get through those worst case scenario seasons of my life when I thought I couldn’t' handle my anxiety any longer. Some of my very best friends fight the same battle and there is something so reassuring about having someone that just gets it. So friends or anyone who comes across this post if you suffer from anxiety, OCD, depression...I get it. Which brings me to the title of my post "Strong Willed Worrier".

 Overcome or stay stuck?

The number one question I asked myself was am I going to have the will to overcome this or the will to stay stuck. Ultimately I decided to let my will be stronger will than my worry. Each day it’s a choice to let my worry rule me or to let my worry fade into a whisper and live my life. That can be really hard sometimes but it’s possible. When we worry we get stuck on a thought, idea, or situation and it causes heightened adrenaline and anxiety. It makes us so utterly aware of the one thing that we are so intently focused on that we dissect it and dissect it until we make it much bigger than it really needs to be. That is where my will being stronger than my worry comes in. It is hard, but we are made with the ability to change our thoughts because we control our brain, our brain does not control us. What I mean by that is we can retrain our brain to focus on things that bring us life and joy, not worry and fear. It takes extremely hard work, and that hard work means getting out of your comfort zone. Getting out your comfort zone may simply mean facing the day (which by the way is a great choice)! For me, OCD is mostly an internal struggle of what ifs. What if this or what if that? Which makes me feel completely frustrated and not productive. It takes a lot of energy to dissect things from every angle on a daily basis. Which brings me to something that I just cannot leave out of my post, because if you have followed me for any amount of time you would know that Jesus is an important part of my life. And there is no way that I would get out of my comfort zone if it was not for my faith. It’s crucial for me to trust that God is in control, and that I'm not in control. That God has good for those who believe. Without this hope I would still be stuck in a parking lot somewhere back in 2002. When worry surrounds me and fills up every spore of my brain, I have to back up and remember to trust. Thoughts are merely thoughts- when we add too much meaning to a thought it causes us to spiral out of control and into the worry pit. When my worry wants me to stop enjoying life, I remember that worry is like a bully that I will choose NOT to listen to, and it eventually becomes a whisper. For those of us that suffer with anxiety, it seems like something that we are destined to have forever. It seems to just be a part of us for life, this huge stronghold that holds us captive. But there is a way to break free, and that way is to choose to break free. It’s to choose to say "screw you, worry" and smile at all the good things that surround you. There is help if you seek it, there is knowledge if you read it, and there is opportunity to do so many wonderful things if you choose to have a will stronger than your worry.

 Help is on the way

Which brings me to transparency. I talked about it briefly but cannot stress enough that we are not made to isolate ourselves in our worry bin. We are meant to worry together! (ha that is a joke!). But really there are so many people who suffer in silence that don't need to. Chances are that someone else is struggling and just wants someone else to speak up first. No joke, when I was in one of the most depressed seasons of my life I needed to talk to someone but I held it all in. But then I decided enough was enough and finally I opened up more about my anxiety (not to the girl I mentioned above that I wanted to slap) but I began to find out people that I have known for a long time or were merely acquaintances knew exactly what I was going through or had a loved one that went through it too. Not that I was happy other people battled anxiety or OCD but was nice to know that I was not alone. In fact, some of the strongest, smartest, sweetest people I know were the ones who suffered...including you ;). So trust and open up to people, if you don't get the love you were hoping for its just a hurdle to jump over but not a reason to keep isolating yourself. Remember have a stronger will than your worry!

Push through

When you feel defeated or lose interest in what you used to love there are two options. Sulk and get more depressed or PUSH THROUGH. You have got to push through. You may think I'm being an insensitive sally but trust me I'm not. I have been in the pits where I didn't want to face another day. I went through two seasons of what seemed like hell. But it wasn't and through that time I learned to appreciate life even more. I began to trust God even more because truly he was my only hope. Looking back I can see how I was so small minded. I was so sucked in by anxiety that I rejected the wonderful gift of life. It truly is marvelous. But you have to choose to see even when you don't want to. That is part of retraining your brain. Choosing good when you just feel defeated. Choosing blessing when you feel like cursing! That is called pushing through and it’s also having a stronger will than your worry. It’s telling your worry that you don’t' belong to it and guess what? Pretty soon you won't.

I could seriously go on for hours about this topic of anxiety. It’s a roller coaster, it’s a damn scary one at times and it’s also a gift at times. Why a gift? For me because it drew me into the best friendships a girl could ask for, because I grew closer to God and learned to lean on his word and promises (which I could go on and on about but we will save that for another time), when I wasn't worrying I appreciated all the beauty around me even more. I now see life as a precious gift not to be taken for granted. I choose to smile and be happy not because that is always the case but because why not? I want to spread light in the darkness because I know and see many other people who are stuck. It’s not how life has to be. The thing is I can't make choices for anyone else, just like others can't make choices for me. That is why we have to take charge with the help of God (which he will give if you ask), and have courage to fight for a stronger will than your worry. If you can do this it can change the way you view life and you will find a way enjoy it again if you choose it!

There is something about someone that suffers with anxiety. They view life in a more perceptive way. Things can be more profound and have such glorious meaning. It’s a beautiful thing when the person that suffers from anxiety chooses to take the perception off the worry part and puts the focus back on what is lovely. I think people that suffer with anxiety are remarkably smart and when their deep thinking is used positively it can change both their world and the life of others in a stunning way! Remember that my fellow sufferers there is so much beauty beyond the worry. That is what I strive to remember each day and I hope you will too. Please keep in mind this is what works for me and this is my experience, so I hope it finds you and inspires you in some way.

Trust

 

 

Last year my word was grateful. I went through a horrible season of anxiety and depression due to my OCD (I will be elaborating on soon). In the mist of this season I didn't understand why my word was grateful since I was filled with fear and doubt. I constantly felt my stomach tighten up from anxiety. There was no relief. Yet somehow, slowly but surely I made it out to the other side into the light. Oh, Lord, he wanted me to know that nothing, nothing, nothing can take away the pain of anxiety and fear but him. He taught me to push through and lean into him. He taught me that life is so valuable, a precious gift not to be taken for granted. He brought love into my life this past year and he let it bloom! I said hellos to new joy and goodbye to people and things that were hard to part with- those comfort zones, those old heartaches and I embraced something new! The greatest thing I learned is to choose. Be grateful for what you have. The talents you pocess, the passions that make your heart beat, the people who love you. Be grateful for each moment even the tough ones. Why the tough ones? because you learn how to live more fully and sweetly. You learn that we shoudn't walk through life alone. We need eachother so badly and God rejoices when we come together.

 

Trust

My new word! God laid it on my heart and I am embracing it. I can't wait to expand on this new word. For now I wanted to share some snapshots of life lately! XOXO

My husband and I! I'm officially a married woman!

 

 

I have a new dog named CoCo Puff and she is crazy but adorable! You can't see her face because she is leaping in the air with some driftwood she picked up while dashing through the fields. Love her energy and joy!

 

I got to see my best friend that I haven't seen in over 3 years!

 

 

Jman kyaking for the first time! I don't think he liked it but I"m proud of him for trying!

You're a Creative Genius

I kept watching inventions being invented and creations being created

Some were plain and simple others were beyond my imagination

They must have a lot more serotonin than me- thinking all these good thoughts

As I kept watching these virtuosos passing me by, I started to feel crippled inside

I wanted a talent, I wanted a dream-I wanted to be someone that no one has ever seen

But as I kept watching all the other prodigies I began to lose hope

Until I looked down at my non-calloused hands and silky smooth feet

Woe me, what a pity- you reap what you sew

What a wakeup call out of the abyss and what a joy to become my own best friend

Instead of longing to be what was already done, I started appreciating the beauty within

I’m a gift yet to be unwrapped a soul to become unraveled

Who knew?

I’m my own creative genius with God given talents

Choose

Today I’m choosing to let go instead of holding on a little longer

 I stopped giving my past mistakes and hurts the recognition they think they need

I decided that today I am all the person I need to be

It didn’t come easy…this rare confidence

Sadly this beauty is oftentimes unseen

The authentic love that takes me back even after 7x seventy

I will ask you to do something if you choose

Take his hand, don’t let it go

In the quiet messes and loud trespasses

Don’t lose hope

The darkness can’t subdue the light that has already won

Go to Jesus and take him with you

My dearest I don’t know you

But you are known by the greatest love of all

Hands spread out beyond the horizon and heart deeper than the ocean

Choose to never be alone again

Passion

So a few years back a friend told me to read the book "Don't Waste Your Life" by John Piper. When I heard the title of the book I was immediately hesitant to buy it, I don't want to know how I'm wasting my life because I know the facts were I was living mediocre and to actually think I may have to change was not something that I invited with open arms.

I started to realize that maybe this is why some of us are so hesitant to live like Esther, Ruth, Job and Jeremiah. Fear of changing, fear of what God would have us do, fear of where God would have us go. Fear we would be mocked like Jeremiah and be a laughingstock to our friends for what we believe. "O LORD, you deceived; me and I was deceived you overpowered me and prevailed. I am ridiculed all day long; everyone mocks me." Jeremiah 20:7

This past weekend I went to the bookstore and there it was "Don't Waste Your Life", jumped out at me and I knew I had to get it. I've only read a short amount but I can tell you my palms were sweating, my heart was beating fast because this is a life changing book. He says "God created me-and you-to live with a single, all-embracing, all transforming passion-namely, a passion to glorify God by enjoying and displaying his supreme excellence in all the spheres of life. “John Piper. Life is not about my happiness, its not about stores, vacations to exotic places, climbing the corporate ladder, life is simply about God. Glorifying God in all aspects of our lives but notice he said all-transforming passion. Another word for transform is to change. By glorifying him we are changed and the love we have for Jesus should be enjoyed and displayed in all spheres of our lives. When we live for God in all parts of our lives we began to share His glory with others.

This of course is just a glimpse of what I read but it was almost disappointing to me that life was not about being happy. I mean that is what we are striving to be right? Happy. Striving to make enough money to get what we want. Striving to look just right to be wanted, striving to please other people. I felt a loss that life is not about my happiness since that is what the world around is chasing. John Piper says this "The wasted life is the life without a passion for the supremacy of God in all things for the joy of all peoples."

I think of Esther with unmistakable beauty and faith in the Lord "Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maids will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish." She stepped out in faith to save her people; she was willing to give up her life for what she believed. Esther 4:16.

Or what about Ruth and her devotion to God and her mother in law Naomi

Do not urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Ruth 1:16

What about sweet Jeremiah, the laughingstock of his people he said this "So the word of the Lord has brought me insult and reproach all day long. But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name; his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in, indeed I cannot.

What do these three people have in common...passion? When times were tough they pushed on, they didn't live for themselves or their happiness but instead they lived for His glory. I want to be more like them, I want to have a passion so deep I can say if I perish I perish, where you go I will go, and his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in, indeed I cannot.

John piper gives an example of how we can view God "You can magnify like a telescope or like a microscope. When you magnify like a microscope a dust mite can look like a monster. Pretending to magnify God like that is wickedness. But when you magnify like a telescope, you make something unimaginably great look like what it really is. With the Hubble Space Telescope, pinprick galaxies in the sky are revealed for the billion star giants that they are. Magnifying God like this is worship.

We can pretend God is only a fragment of our lives but we are deceiving ourselves. God is magnificent, he is the creator, my prayer is that I see God as he really is and glorify Him in all spheres of my life.

More than Moments

I crumbled onto my bed in final defeat. My pillow is the only sanctuary in sight and as bitterly rest my head I throw out rash remarks to heaven. Where are you God? Can you hear me? My thoughts try to convince me that God is punishing me or else he would take this from me. I keep wondering if God is my healer and redeemer, why is he not redeeming me? I go to church, I surround myself with solid friendships and I pray. Where am I going wrong? Just three short weeks ago I was on cloud nine and now here I lay in absolute desolation. Old familiar worries appeared out of nowhere engulfing me in a stream of restless and anxious days and nights. If I were to be completely honest there were times in past three weeks I just didn’t want to exist. The cloud depression brings takes away every ounce of joy and hope for a good future. The things I've always wanted and worked so hard to obtain seem to be lost in some sort of mosh pit at the bottom of my stomach. I don’t think it’s fair when you try to do things the right way and everything falls by the wayside. I’m not playing the victim, I don’t write for pity but I write this because anxiety, depression and the like really, really, really suck. I find that so many people deal with fear, anxiety, and hopelessness daily but just keep on a façade that everything is peachy keen.

I wouldn’t write a blog post inundated with defeat without a glimpse of hope or I won’t write-which is why you haven’t seen anything from me in a while. I’m finding that the mind is incredibly powerful, you may be saying “duh” right now but seriously it can be detrimental what we allow to run rampant in our thought lives. For the past 3 weeks I have honed in on my worry completely entangled in fear. In a way I have let worry rule my life and bring me into a deep pit where no one can rescue me.  I have prayed in the moments I was not engulfed by my fear, I have shouted out to God in the moments I was not focused on my fear, I have cried many tears in the moments I couldn’t take any more of my worry. So basically I am handing out little bits of myself to God in frustration and giving gobs of attention to fear/worry/or whatever you want to call it.

In the midst of trial it’s hard to have the energy to focus on the truth that God has good for us and that HIS perfect love drives out fear but we MUST learn to if we want to overcome pitfalls and not get in them in the first place. I am the last person that is good at that obviously but I have a glimmer of hope that I am capable of getting to this place. WHY? Because the Holy Spirit lives in me and if the Holy Spirit lives in me than I am able. Also, something vitally important to point out is that we are worth it! We are God’s masterpieces- to him we are priceless and his deepest desire is for us to reach our full potential- and that my friend is not living in the darkness. I’m slowly learning that I will stay in the pit if I dwell on the pit but if I dwell on the TRUTH of Jesus my thought life changes and all of a sudden I find myself capable of facing another day. It’s NOT an overnight makeover, it’s a one day at a time focus on what we are capable of THROUGH Christ not through our own power. It’s not handing God bits and pieces to  God and saying "have some of me and make me better". While God is completely able to do anything I truly believe we need to say God here is ALL  of me to see true life transformation.

I have done life with Jesus and without Jesus. And the only time I have gotten out of the pit was when Jesus was the hand reaching out to me and lifting me up. When the world seems bleak and life seems way too hard it’s easy to doubt that Jesus is who he says he is but it’s in those times true, courageous, and everlasting faith is built because we are believing that even though it seems he is nowhere in sight God is walking if not carrying us through every moment we give to him. That is why we must give him more than moments, we must give Jesus ALL of us each and every day!

 

Romans 8:37-39

Despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Finding Rest From Worry

Your anxious, your exhausted, your depressed, your weary, your weak. Unfortunately I’ve felt those ways many a times in my life due to having high anxiety- ever since I was young I have worried. There are times when I have my worried mind mastered and tamed but then there are times that my mind takes over and the days are harder and longer. I hate that feeling where you just wish the day would be over so you can go to bed. It seems like such a waste of a day to chuck it up to wanting to be non-existent for a while.  There are times I even get frustrated with God because I know he can heal me from worry but yet it remains. But the truth is over the years through the trials I have faced with all the stages of my fears, anxieties, and panic attacks the only place I could find rest was with Jesus.  

The only place where I could find solace in my tears was crying out to my Savior. I have learned I won’t know the why’s to my worries but I do know how to keep pushing through them and perhaps even overcome them in time. I hold onto the promises of Jesus that when I draw near to him he will draw near to me, what I sow in tears I will reap in joy, when I call out to God for help he will come and save me, if we are in need of rest he will provide it. Jesus is the safe place that we all can call home where perfect love drives out fear. He has gotten me through every dark valley to see the mountaintop again, there were seasons I experienced the most desperate droughts but I didn’t come out of them without becoming better and learning more about God’s love.

 God has our very best interests in mind. The comforting thing is that he knows every detail of our worry and every why to our worry. I may not understand but I do know that God has good for me and if I rest in the truth he has good for me than I can entrust my worries to him. I can even push through the hard days and give thanks on the days I want to wish away. He is showing me that even in the valleys he is good, he is perfect, he is complete and I am made whole knowing this truth. I am made capable knowing this truth. I am made strong knowing this truth. I am made new knowing this truth.

If you worry like me and are tired of it, I encourage you to rest in his promises, be vulnerable in prayer, thank him for his presence, and trust that you are in his perfect and loving care.

 

 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

 1 John 4:18

I forgot to have fun

I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off thinking I would survive. I was cramming every nook and cranny of my life into some schedule. Everything was packed and I was constantly on the move and because of this my patience was slim. I didn’t have time to deal with Jman’s fussy behavior. Basically I would just snap at the drop of the hat and expect my son to be perfect. But over the past couple weeks I’ve done a little less running around, read a couple books, prayed a little more and I’ve realized that I have been living without intention. I’ve been living with expectation. I have this expectation that I need to have a jammed packed schedule to constantly be in motion. I have this expectation that my son is 8 and should not be whining still. I have this expectation that I have to talk to every single one of my friends to feel like I’m still in the loop. I have this expectation that I have to be doing something to mean something. Meanwhile, my joy is hanging on by a thin thread and I’m morphing into a less than ecstatic mom that is lacking adventure, smiles, and laughter.

 

Today I have been pondering this a lot and really can’t believe that I am willingly missing out on so much joy by living in by these silly expectations. I don’t want to miss embracing motherhood fully for what it is, a beautiful gift from God. He entrusted this not so little anymore child into my life to be intentional. Thinking on my childhood I remember the moments that mattered to me the most were the moments of adventure. The times I was out exploring and there was no rush. I remember the long bike rides in the park with my dad or how me and my parents used to drive through the windy roads to get a sweet treat at the end of a summer day. It was leisurely and so peaceful and I didn’t feel like we were constantly in motion running from one thing to the next. Not to say that never happens after all life does get busy and messy but as I remember those times I remember how at ease I felt about life. I have forgotten how to have fun, to live in the moment, and the importance of intention. But today is a new day filled to the brim with possibility and new adventures to begin and for the first time in a long time I can tell you- I can't wait!!!

 

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Psalm 51:12

 

 

 

Love Covers

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

Something about this verse give me such peace and warmth. Probably because I know I will fall short, I know I will fail. Yet even amid my frailties and brokenness there is something that covers my sin. The most beautiful refuge I could ever ask for is the truth God offers that we can be held by daily. Love is more important than our brokenness! Did you hear that? Love is more important than our imperfections, the thing we can’t get right, that temptation that keeps getting us off track.

If we can receive the gift of grace from Jesus that is handed to us with open arms, if we can offer that same gift of grace to others than it covers all the dirt, grime, bitterness, darkness, shame, and weariness. In other words love shelters, protects, and shields us from hopelessness and defeat. And it’s when we receive the gift of grace and give this gift to others that we find a new life springs up within us and our love only grows deeper and deeper. I hope you find comfort in this verse today.

Be it

Breath in each solitary breath, encapsulate each moment with gratefulness

 

Shake the sandman from your eyes, quench the thirst in your spirit

 

 Do you hear your passion? You can’t miss it when you listen

 

We all have a rich craving to whittle out our own mission

 

The endeavor may seem steep, too long and hard

 

But every boundless journey comes with some resistance

 

Grace stretches beyond the horizon, let faith help you believe it

 

Be mesmerized that you are capable, your fashioned with the means

 

Appreciate with intention each seemingly futile step

 

Don’t take for granted the desire of what makes your spirit rise

 

It’s yours to claim, no one else can shape it the way you see it

 

Whatever it is that awakens your senses to pureness and beauty

 

God will give you what you need to go out and be it.

Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist anymore

If you know me and my blog you will know I’m a single mom and I’ve never been married. I have crossed the boundaries of intimacy with men many times. I hid in shame over crossing the boundaries and I even started to believe this was the way it had to be. I couldn’t have a relationship that wouldn’t be built upon anything but lust. Sure, I had met some strong Christian men before and there was that hope within me that maybe this time I met a leader. I so badly wanted to be with someone who took physical temptations seriously, someone who dared to not live by what is considered the norm. As I would date these Christian men, I would soon discover that purity had been thrown out the window. And honestly without a man leading in this area, I knew I was a sunken ship. But even still I would stay in these relationships because I started to believe this was the way it was now. The area of purity had turned gray and I stopped praying about the desire to stay pure myself.  It was one of those things where I could hear God calling me to purity but I was letting myself be defeated by what I could see vs. what I believed was the right thing to do. I could see that everyday more limits are being pushed in the entertainment world, I could see that sex sells and I need to be sexier, I could see that a lot of men didn’t want to lead or be held responsible. I stopped looking for the truth, I stopped seeking values, I started to see gray.

 

Yet amid the gray areas God still lived in me and he started to be bold with me about purity through other people. My hair stylist began talking about purity. I mean she was the last girl I expected to be talking about it. She just didn’t fit the mold. She was sassy, had a glamorous tattoo sleeve, she wore bright red lipstick, and if I didn’t know her from doing my hair I would be intimidated to talk to her. Yet as I  was getting my hair done one day she pours out her story and journey to purity. She met a man that wanted to honor her and God. She told me to fight for purity, that it was worth the wait. As I left the salon I felt a little surprised how God was showing up in the unexpected places to tell me that purity maybe is not dead. Then two of my close friends who shared the same struggles as me recently met a man that wanted to lead in purity. One is now married and the other one on her way to the alter in the next couple months. I can’t even describe the joy that exudes from both of them because they waited.

 

So, I decided that God doesn’t want me to brush off purity. He doesn’t want me to stop fighting the battle. The things I didn’t think existed anymore were beginning to show up right before my very eyes…value, respect, love, honor, obedience. Maybe I could experience what my hair stylist was talking about, maybe I could experience what my friends now had. Maybe I wouldn’t have to settle for what was the norm. And sure enough God showed up even more by bringing men into my life that stood for purity. In the past several months I have met grown men that were saving themselves for marriage and being completely open about it. And to make it even better, these men are not urcles- they are amazing men that have so much to offer.

 

I think God is showing me the redemption of creation. Yes we come from fallen people (hence Adam and Eve) but that doesn’t mean we have to keep the excuses that it’s too hard or they did so it’s not bad if I do too. Just because some people have stopped caring about purity doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. I’m learning to invest more time in seeking what is not the “norm”, I’m trying to figure out how to separate myself from the cycles of defeat. I recently went to see the play “The Great Divorce” by C.S Lewis. One of the scenes depicted a man holding tight onto one of his possessions- which happened to be a scaly lizard. He was asked to let it go and have it killed, but he was terrified to release this lizard that went everywhere with him, like an appendage. He couldn’t imagine what his life would look like without this lizard. In actuality he really didn’t want the lizard as it was bothersome and held him captive.  As I watched this man struggle to give up this possession I could see myself in his struggle to let go of what I know and what I see. After much turmoil and doubt, the man finally decided to give the lizard away to have it killed so he wouldn’t have to live with it anymore.  I believe that his greatest fear was that he thought if the lizard was to die he would surely die too. However, in an instant the lizard was gone and in its place there was a beautiful white stallion. He decided to give up his stronghold to what he didn’t see or what was not familiar to him and found that something far greater was available to him all along.

 

I think I forgot what could that something far greater could be available to me if I choose to believe in something that may not be prevalent these days. God didn’t give up the battle and desires for us to be restored. He wants us to trust that there is more than what we have grown accustomed to. The right thing can just be a little harder to find and takes a little bit of removing the dust to uncover the beauty that was intended for each one of us to experience. God has started to surround me with a lot of people that want to fight for purity. So, if you are struggling with purity in your life I urge you to call for him and he will show up with an army. I want to shout out to my friends and the wonderful men I know that are fighting for purity- thanks from the bottom of my heart for being a leader in a not so easy area of life.

 

This post is not meant to be preachy because I have struggled with my fight for purity for years. God knows my struggle, I turned away from him many times in my pursuit of restoring purity. But I hope for anyone that reads and struggles with this to know that you are not alone. It’s hard to not sit in the gray area but I have been shown recently that purity is alive we just have to look and fight a little harder for it. Peace and LOVE.

 

 

How I Learned to Be Loved

Like a lot of people I based my worth or how I was good based on my performance. But last year I had a breakthrough and found that performance doesn’t get me anywhere but frustrated at myself.  Sure, its easy to say that God doesn’t love us based on performance, but when we walk or stumble into our next failure the urge to hide in shame ultimately creeps up again regardless of the knowledge that his grace can’t be earned.  My natural instinct used to be to feel like an outcast that wasn’t supposed to pray to God because I messed up over the same thing again and again. I started to condemn myself and it dragged my heart down into a deep place of numbness because there were some strongholds that I just couldn’t conquer. I felt embarrassed to go back to God with the same request. So I just didn’t anymore because I felt like a hypocrite and that I might as well not ask for forgiveness because I would never get things right. And I knew if I was to really want to be changed that would mean God would expect something of me that I couldn’t accomplish- which would equal greater disappointment. Ultimately, I was living in fear of failure and fear of never being the woman he created me to be. But this thinking just kept me in a vicious cycle of feeling afraid, ashamed, embarrassed, burdened, and insufficient.

After years of hiding out I decided that I would try approaching God with the truth in my mind that he loved me no matter what.  I stood before God and poured out my failures each time they happened. I didn’t pray with fear but instead I prayed with confidence that God loved me regardless of my performance. I have to say at first it was really weird to boldly trust that the Lord accepted me and loved me even in my shortcomings. But something started to change, the condemnation I felt started to turned into a calm presence that I can do all things through Christ.  What started as a training of my mind to approach God in confidence that he loved me, over time a truth my heart trusted. I started to fall in love with God in a much more authentic way because he was able to love me in a more authentic way,the way he desired to love me all along- completely.  His love is the most sincere, the most genuine and he desires to be in the muck with us as crazy as that sounds. And those fears that God would expect more of me than I felt I could deliver was blown away because I felt embraced for me, even in my lifeless sin. His spirit was renewed in me because I let him love me in my weakness and found I was made stronger.

Grateful

I know a lot of people that pick a word for the year to live by and to grow into. I already have mine picked out but my pastor added an interesting spark to the “word”. Instead of it being a “word” have it be a “theme”. My word or pardon me “theme” came to me before the new year had even started. It came sweeping in gracefully and triumphantly “Grateful”. As I hear that word and repeat it over and over I wonder what that theme is going to look  like for me this year. I wonder what God knows that I don’t know. Should I be bracing myself for dear life or feeling light as a feather? I don’t know but right now to be honest I feel light as a feather. Last year I began a new journey of independence by buying my first house and starting a new job but it was also a year of confusion. Holding onto relationships and trying to figure out where to go from here. Wondering if I should travel down the same roads again or pave new ways. It was a challenging year bearing a lot of weighty thoughts and decisions. However I would never take that year back because it brings me to this place now. This place of eerily beautiful peace and abounding love. My relationship with God has changed for the better because by the end of last year I discovered even in my most shameful moments I don’t have to hide. I’ve learned how natural it has become to run from God when my report to him on my “bad” days was nothing but sinful defeat. It’s funny how it’s so natural for me to want to hid away from the one who loves me unconditionally and the ONLY one that can make me new. I’m discovering despite my urge to run from God when I mess up I need to fight it and run TO him. He is available to me when I am scared to show my face, he is available to me when I think he is shaking his head in disappointment. I’m learning that is all wrong and God WANTS to be near me. He WANTS to be close when I struggle or mess up. I think God would be filled up to the brim and relieved that we finally get it when our natural inclination is to run to him despite our performance. So I believe since I have learned this about God that is why the word “grateful” is giving me that lighter than a feather feeling. To realize this truth and claim this truth is life giving!  

Guest Post: By Cierra Latrice

You turn on the TV and all that’s on the news is what is going wrong in the world. You turn on the radio and a song about heartbreak or death is playing. The billboard by the highway shows the face of a missing person. The magazine at the checkout wants to point out how imperfect you are. No matter where you go, we live in a world that is full of the negative. It’s almost come to the point where it is more acceptable to be negative than it is to be positive. If you walk down the street with a smile on your face pay attention because I guarantee someone will look at you strange and someone that you know will ask you “Why are you smiling? Why are you so happy?” My question to them is…”Why not?”

I’ve experienced the dark side of depression and lived a life of negativity. I’m good on never going back. Life is full of ups and downs. There’s always going to be someone or something that is going to try and bring you down. It is all about how you handle and view those situations. When God is the reason for our joy and happiness, the storms of life become minor ripples in a pond. Isaiah 40:31 says “but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Did you know that during a storm an eagle will fly above the storm and clouds and soar in the sunlight? When we experience tough times and lean on Him, God provides the strength for us to fly above our storm and soar into His light. He never wants to see us upset. He never wants to see us angry or negative. His arms are open wide and ready to give us pure joy and happiness each and every day no matter what the situation may be. So why not take it?

Every negative situation in our life is a chance to not only grow in ourselves but grow in our relationship with God. There is always a silver lining in every situation. Sometimes you just need to dig a little to see it. God sometimes allows bad things to happen in order to lead us into a new and better direction or to keep us from something or someone that may hurt us down the road. The pieces always come together in the end. You just have to make it through the storm. Don’t let it bring you down. There’s enough negative in the world. The world doesn’t need me adding my negativism to it. In fact, the world needs more positive. The world needs more love. The world needs more people who understand that bad things happen, but it is not the end of the world. The world needs more people who are willing to look past the negative and set their eyes on Christ and the joy He provides. Every day is a gift from Him. Anything that brings a smile to your face or brings laughter is an added blessing.

The next time someone tries to tear you down or something bad happens remember this: Bad things happen, but God’s love, promises and joy He provides are stronger and bigger than anything or anyone. Today I’m choosing to be positive and to be a blessing to those around me.

Diary of an Imperfect Mom

When I found out I was pregnant over 8 years ago, I scrambled to find all the parenting books so I could be "super mom". As my baby J was growing in my belly I had one of those calendar thingy's that told me all about my baby boy and how he was developing each day down to when his fingernails were beginning to grow on his teensy tiny toes. On April 28th, 2005 my bundle of joy was born and that is when that planning book went out the window with a crash. As my sweet boy was laid upon me I was thinking two things. 1.)I was scared out of my mind that I was responsible for this precious life 2.) He was the cutest thing I ever had seen in my life. Instant fear and instant love all at the same time.

Everything now revolved around him and I was now on the back burner. I couldn't have ever planned for the selflessness that would ultimately take over whether I liked it or not. Going to the grocery store took on a whole new meaning as I bundled up my boy and made sure I had all the necessities: diapers- check, bottle-check, extra outfit-check, pacifier-check, and some random toy that would keep his interest for about a micro second-check. It took an extra 15 minutes to just get in the car and an extra hour to go shopping for what would used to  take 20 minutes. I could no longer dash to any place, instead I had to be prepared and on top of things. I had to carry containers and fill them with stuff. I'm a creative, all over the place, whimsical soul by nature so this was like a foreign language to me. BUT I wouldn't be caught dead anywhere with a screaming inconsolable  child so everywhere I went I was armed for battle. For a while I was in constant panic mode wondering if I was really cut out for this whole mom thing. I didn't want to mess up, I didn't want to fail at the ONE thing I was supposed to just be naturally good at.

Then just as I was figuring out this mom gig I found myself a single mom on a new journey-survival. There was no room for pity parties or time to think- I just did whatever it would take to be “super single mom”. I thought this would be a piece of cake- wrong! That saying that it takes a tribe to raise a child is really, really true. There were all sorts of things to consider that I never even thought of like how expensive children are for one thing and how to have a job that is willing to work around your kid but jobs are not that flexible so  you have to have someone to watch your child while your working late- can anyone say cha-ching? And then on top of that you want your child to fit in so you HAVE to have them love something. I tried soccer-NOPE, I tried basketball-double no, we tried soccer again just to be sure- nada. Finally my little fish found his pond, he is a swimmer folks- the next Michael Phelps I believe (keep your eye out for the insane mom cheering at the Olympics in a few years!).

On top of all that you have to deal with your child's ever evolving personality, I know imagine that! So one day they are the most charming little darling and your heart is melting at their ridiculous cuteness and then you blink and  all of a sudden they become curious about the anatomy of the human body and the burning question for what seems like the past decade is how my son can exist if  his mom is not married.  And now I’m freaking out because his father is somewhere in Bangladesh and I’m stuck having to talk about the birds and the bees which is not my forte and  now I’m back at the bookstore finding the latest copy of how to not ruin your child’s life. Sigh. So needless to say being a mom has had its ups and downs in the most horrific and most beautiful ways. But I would not trade it for the world (you know we have to say that right?).

Yet I have found one thing that has been steady in the midst of chaos. No matter what day it was or how old my son has been thus far there is always that moment at the end of the day where we find peace. When he was a baby it was that moment his baby soft Johnson &Johnson's aroma scented head was nestled on my shoulder. It was in these times that all my fears and doubts faded off into the distance. As he peacefully rested in my arms he melted more and more into my heart. Nothing could match these perfect moments and not even the most strenuous day could take away how much this boy meant to me.  As the days, months and years have passed I've learned so much about not only selflessness but what it means to let go of that expectation to be the perfect mom and to truly enjoy the little things. My Jalen didn't have terrible 2's… oh no he waited until he was 4...he gave me a couple extra years to prepare for the relentless dreaded tantrums. There were times I was defeated and that I felt like I was definitely not cut out to be a mom but alas that "moment" always came. At the end of the day,the sun would set and my rambunctious boy would nestle up to me ready for his bed time story and once again all was well in the world and I had peace that I would survive mother hood.

I've come to accept the fact that I'm the farthest thing from "super" mom or “super single mom” but I've never been more okay with that because at the end of the day I am certain that in the strife and in each moment of calm at the end of a long day the definition of being a mother has been built as I have learned that nothing can replace a mothers love and her efforts. Nothing can replace the bond between a mother and her child that is defined over the years of simply being present.  I have learned to create my own book  mastering the ups and downs in the perfectly imperfect life of being a mom. The zombie days and nights from the lack of sleep, the hundredth trip downstairs to get some water after story time, the millionth story that is read even when its past bedtime, the bumps and bruises, the constant reminders that could qualify me for nagging mom of the year all somehow become this beautiful story that leaves an imprint on my heart that beats for my son with the hope to watch him grow up, have a family of his own to share the same unconditional love that all started from the love of a mother.

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Enduring Well

In my past two posts I have gone on about the fury and disappointment of my dating life to how I have turned it over to God and started praying specifically for my husband. But its not just dating that gives me that itch of impatience. In a world where everything is virtually at my fingertips it seems there is a quick way to feeling better instead of simply enduring through the wilderness of uncertainty. Recently I’ve been feeling that I have been doing a whole lot of enduring and started to wonder what the purpose of all this muck and mire was about. I wondered if God couldn’t see my hard work, my good intentions, my dedication. But there I stood still knee deep in disappointment with the outcome and aching for something that would bring me joy. So as I continued waddling around in the wilderness of frustration Jesus began to teach me a lesson about how I need to learn to endure well.

The definition of patience is as follows: the ability to endure waiting, delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset, or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties. I’ve become so accustomed to instant gratification that the heart of patience has gone out the window. Sure I’m waiting for things to happen in my life but not without lack of complaint, serenity or fortitude. Patience is a discipline that I have not mastered but that has such a great purpose if done the right way. When I let my mind entertain thoughts of how I can find a solution quickly for the things I ache for I lose sight of God. But realizing how important enduring can be makes it easier to do because I know there is a purpose for it. I’ve come across this verse before but read it again today and it resonates in my heart so much right now:

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?  If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

I love that last verse because it gives me the reason to endure well- to not give up, to wait on God, to seek his guidance. To know that when God is silent even when it feels like I have had enough he telling me that something is being created through the hardship I’m enduring. In the muck and the mire I can endure even when I’ve reached the brink because in that place I can develop the character of Christ in a deeper and richer way by being dependent on the truth that everything he does is for my good.  Jesus is preparing me for what is to come in what I do today. And I don’t think he is preparing me for something easy, quick or futile. I think he is preparing me for something grandeur than I ever expected. As I learn how to discipline myself to endure well living in the heart of patience I start to feel peace and believe that what Jesus has for me is worth the wait.

Waiting

My life seemed to be continuing a sequence of defeat. I was living for him, for this man that I loved to love me back. As he sway back in forth in his nonchalant universe my stomach was in knots as I waited for his final answer. Days came and went, some sunny, others rainy, and some days like droughts and I was a parched soul searching for something to give me hope. This was becoming my reality, waiting for him, waiting on an answer.

It was in the night as I breathed in the silence around me that I wondered how things had turned out this way. I never imagined I would be waiting for someone to tell me that I was enough for them to settle down with. But here I was, this was my reality. My alluring sex appeal as a woman was fading into darkness as I started to feel like a skipping stone easily tossed into the abyss of some river in which people use to sit by to breath in the sweet scents of the new coming season. I now was a dead weight sinking with little hope of being discovered again.

How could one person make me feel so small and dictate the outcome of my day? Oh but to me he wasn’t just any person. He was my sun and my moon and my stars all rolled into one perfect package that I so longed to be mine. But regardless of what I thought of him, there was still me hopelessly waiting for him to knock at the door or call in the night that he wanted me back. But silence remained and everything collided into one big tomb of nothingness. As I looked at myself in the mirror I looked older and tired. As I looked at others around making an adventure out of life envy welled up within me creating an ugly attitude and a recipe for disaster.

Before I turned eighty, gaining 500 wrinkles and 1,000 gray hairs I knew I had to get a grip and fast. I had to take control of my life again. I was waiting on someone else’s watch that was ticking on a different time zone. I decided that it was time to pick up my slobbering mess of a self and get a move on. It was time to start living like I mattered. So each day I would start with a prayer, thanking God for my life and the blessings he gave me. Next I would pray for my husband. I never ever have prayed for a husband but it took my focus off the man I was waiting for and put it on God and his will for me.

As the days passed and I kept saying this prayer something in me changed very suddenly. I began to be graciously aware of who I was as a woman again. I was still sexy, I was still captivating and there was a light in me that wanted to shine that was all mine. I simply had to be brave enough to turn it on amidst an unknown future. What started as a mediocre half-hearted attempt at moving forward slowly turned into an all out freedom song of a rejuvenated life.

Before I was allowing pain but slowly I was learning to have the courage to walk away from it. Because I was made for more than the back burner. I was made for more than another excuse. I was made for more than the sidelines. It was the most freeing thing in the world to be fully aware of my feminine heart and desires. Its freeing because we are designed to be pursued and God is fully on top of this. As I learned to let him lead me each day, I learned to let go of what I wanted. I began to learn to be confident in God’s timing instead of someone else’s or even my own timing.

Right now I’m building a life on a new road, in a new place. My physical location has remained the same but my heart has taken on a new design. My heart is building a space for someone who wants to cherish it and that first starts with the maker of it, Jesus. He has taken residence in a heart that yearns to know the kind of love that lasts a lifetime. He is showing me more about myself and how to live a fuller life by being patient, compassionate, and joyful in trials and suffering. He doesn’t ever let me down or leave my side.

As I release what I was waiting on, I find I’m able to embrace today. I find that my desires don’t go unnoticed as day by day I receive the love I need when I give my life to Jesus. Life has become an adventure for me as I find that I’m no longer lost in the abyss but rather held close even when I can’t see.